Walk in the park

Auspiciousness. Saw a flock of cocks in my neighborhood walking around with K ma.

This is my neighborhood in Austin. I love it here. Its been a rejuvenating fall and winter so far.

 

Am I a redneck, and other influences

I am reading this great book by a Texan author-Larry L. King that I randomly found. Its called Of Outlaws, Con Men, Whores, Politicians, and Other Artists. I recommend it.

He grew up dirt poor and was considered a redneck which fueled his life. He wanted out, he wanted better.  He was feisty and ambitious, educated himself and became a very well known, successful writer. I love writing done in the vernacular. I can read it all day long. I am still trying to find my authentic vernacular.

As I delve into this writing thing more, I realize I have some redneck influences. I grew up on a farm, somewhat wild, playing in barns, ponds and going everywhere barefoot. I also had a strong religious upbringing. Private school, church and way too much God for my young brain. I dreamed of a better life. Something sophisticated. Was drawn to tennis, traveling and also drugs and music but I still love barns and pick up trucks.

I came to Austin spontaneously on my nomadic adventures. Being a place that 2 of my favorite artists reside and passed through. Patty Griffin and Daniel Johnston.

 

So I was really moved by this Texan writer, a story he writes about going back to his hometown and hanging out with his best friend from high school. They kind of have it out. About happiness and politics. As a nomad, I really relate to the writer, however, the writing is so good, I see the others point of view. I feel the frustration of being so changed by so many experiences that it is impossible to just be content living the status quo and how both sides could see the other one as missing out or more unhappy. I just think life needs all these different types and points of view. The chapter ends with the friend saying. "come on home, come on back down here, goddammit and relax." 

The writer writes, There was no way to tell him that I laughed less there, and relaxed less there, than any place on the map.

It was interesting going back to Miami a few weeks ago. I feel like I tried so hard to make Miami my home and make it work and it never did. This nomad thing seems to suit me so much more but I am not sure how sustainable it is.

These fluorescents capture Miami for me, in this Laundromat near little Haiti. The main thing I am learning right now, is the importance of discipline, I am reading this other book that is basically nailing me. Its about the importance of work and discipline. I would say I would suffer from romantic illusions about life. Certain dreams. Playing tennis, writing, music,  traveling, learning a language. No one tells you how much it sucks. All these things are really hard and take a lot of discipline and dedication and I want to do them all and do them all well! Maybe I can do them all, or maybe I will need to simplify and let some of them go. Today I am going to stick to writing.

Lone star

I was sad leaving Texas today. Separation anxiety. The open road has a beauty and sometimes wretched quality to it. It took me some hours before I hit my stride. My nomadic-ness has been slowing down as I have been settling into Austin. I am headed back to Miami to play some tennis and see some friends. I am pretty excited. Sometimes its strange to go back to places that hold many memories. I am looking forward to what Miami has in store for me. I want to experience it anew. I have changed and grown in the last year and it should be fun to look through these new lenses.

Sometimes I forget that I loved parts of Miami and I have been working on a song about it. called sometimes land. I am pretty clear that writing, songwriting, music and art is the direction I want to go in my life. However this pesty thing called tennis keeps wanting my attention.

Driving through Texas, seeing New Orleans, landing in Tampa. I remember when I was living in Miami in 2009 and went to Austin for the first time. Now its 2014 and its nice to remember so many happy memories of tennis and friendship. I remember why I keep at tennis, and spend time with other people who get the love of the game. The importance of having a dream and going towards that road, however impossible it might seem. Lastly remembering the qualities of patience and balance while appreciating all the different textures and varieties of the flavor of life.

Reflections on 2013

I'm not sure if animals are getting more suicidal or if I have spent too much time on the road this year. Talk about road-kill overkill. I even saw a dead beaver. I think I saw a dead bear too, but I may have been hallucinating. I also saw a tremendous amount of eagles and hawks. Living ones. Birds make me happy. I love seeing them fly in patterns. Reminds me of joy. This roadrunner/road dog has packed a lot of driving in this year. I have driven X country 3 times. Including 50 hours in the last week when I drove home for Christmas. Was a great trip. I almost got driven off the road by a mack truck but I made it in tact.

Stopped in Nashville on the way to and from. Also got to see a friend in Asheville. Was an interesting reference point. I stopped in Nashville 2 years ago right before I moved to Austin. I can't believe the 2 year cycle I have been able to create or co-create. It was 2 years of nomad madness. I think I found my home base and I also fell in love with a lot of other places. I don't want to be obnoxious and talk about all the great, amazing experiences I have had. However I am very pleased with my year and feel beyond appreciative for it.

2013 has been good to me and I have really good feelings about 2014. Want to get back into tennis training. Continue with my writing, music and learning German and of course being a nomad. Nothing made me happier to have a place to come home to after Christmas, so I think I am going to keep Austin as a homebase. I love traveling but I have had enough of being suspended in mid air. I am ready to plant some roots. If I need a break, I can hit the road. Go away for a week or two. Find a happy medium.

I have to mention Marion Bartoli winning Wimbledon for a highlight of 2013. The rest of my highlights were very personal, connecting with people, building friendships, realizing the importance of community and feeling more comfortable being known and seen. Reading some great books, listening to terrific music, eating great food. Had my low points too. I think I am getting a hang of this being a human being thing.

Tonight I am going to clean my house and get rid of all the things that aren't serving me and make space for the things I want in my life. I feel really clear about my goals for the year ahead.
2014! I am ready for you. It's time to get to work.

Get your karma out of my chi

I am really into 2014 right now. However there is still of plenty of 2013 to enjoy, hopefully. I have been reflecting on my year, the people I have met and the experiences I've had. 2013 was incredible. Being in Austin, ending the year here, in my comfortable neighborhood is right where I want to be.

Last year at this time I was sharing a room with 3 people at Esalen, I had a nasty case of poison oak, was on steroids, and I woke up one morning with my roommate meditating/growling in a chair right next to my bed. I really wanted to punch him in the face. I was OVER IT!

I woke up this morning with a conversation in my head. I was talking to an intelligent lady at Julia's wedding, who somewhat got in my face and said, how much evil do you need to know there is good in the world? I paused and was like, I don't need any. She really cracked me up-a compassionate vegan that hated the world and bawled at the beauty of the wedding ceremony.

 I will never forget how she looked at me, when a preying mantis flew over Steve and Julia while they were rehearsing their vows and I immediately looked up the animal symbology and showed her the obvious cool meaning of the Universe and the preying mantis. She looked at me like I might be the most pitiful, dumbass on the planet. I knew right then and there we were going to be friends. It took me a few days to crack through her barriers and a lot of wine but eventually we connected and had fun. She told me some really cool information about Greek times. She got a PhD in philosophy and told me her mind is like a small house, in the sense she invested money in it. It gave me a different perspective on money and value.

I realize that my favorite moments this year were connecting with people, they weren't big things like going to Thailand or Australia, which were great and even there, connecting with people was the best part of those trips. Meeting Mark in Bangkok and hanging out with his mom in their grandmothers home, taking a bath from a bucket and getting an authentic Thai massage. Meeting a Canadian in my hostel in Chiang Mai and spending some quality time with a stranger. Seeing my dear friend Jhanna in Sydney, having her pick me up at the airport after weeks of not knowing anyone. Everyone should be greeted by Jhanna at the airport. She is the best greeter. Total warmth and overjoy. Then meeting new Australian friends through tennis.

So these last two years of roaming around America has had a strange effect on me. First of all, I have kind of fallen in love with this country. The mountains, mid west, desert, California, Big Sur. I really live in a great country and it has its problems, some of which I am part of.

Emotionally growing up shame and self hatred really permeated all of me to the point where I hated being American when I was younger. I realize now it wasn't just me, it is kind of a cultural thing.
 I have different feelings now. I think our society has a shit ton of potential and I want to be part of it.  Be the change! And I still want to be a rebellious renegade doing my own thing.

It looks like I am going to settle in Austin for a bit. I am proud to be my weird self.

Sealy-Plan B

So apparently Sealy mattresses come from a little town in Texas where I spent this Thanksgiving. I love new experiences and I got to have a brand new Thanksgiving and the experience of shooting a rifle and a shotgun.

I'm glad I did it and know what its like.

Then some feasting could occur.

 Potatoes, stuffing, turkey, gravy. Cranberry relish. Cookies galore.

 

So this was my first Texas Thanksgiving. It was pretty much awesome. Board games, shooting guns, Improv games.

lastly but not least. was good old plan B. Mister Marsh wanted to know what plan B is. Lets just say it involves a turkey baster on the kitchen table, sisters, and a 30 something year old man, maybe he works at Pizza Hut, maybe he doesn't.

 

Lets just hope Plan A works out.

Bulk trash night

Feels so good to be settling back into Austin after four months being a roadrunner. I am getting very well acquainted with my mattress. The best word to describe where I am at, is nostalgic. This time of year makes me. Flashes of being in Chicago two years ago flood in, four years ago being in Miami I can also reminisce. Especially when B-ma gives me a book of Miranda July, No one belongs here more than you, that I read four years ago. I can remember exactly where I was when I read it. In my Miami apartment, this time of year, the fall. I loved the book. Its so sad, weird and wildly creative.

On a day like today, I am dreaming of Germany. I just signed up for a German class starting next year and planning to spend some time in Berlin this next summer to continue with my German speaking dreams, impractical as they are.

Life in Austin is great, I almost feel like I am in retreat. My neighborhood has everything I need. Meetings in the afternoon, meditation center is just down the road. Time to write in the mornings. I feel really content with my living situation. Living alone. Reading at night. Its been awhile since I felt this settled and simple. The great thing is that the main shift that's happened in the last four years, as crazy as its been, is that I feel more connected overall to life. 4 years ago, even though I was in a good place at the time. I was way too isolated and in my own universe. It hasn't been easy or comfortable to go through a lot of the changes but I am so grateful because it feels really good for me to feel this connection. Sure, I am afraid I will lose it, but I will enjoy it while it lasts. For me to feel connected to life, society, and others is almost miraculous, because for so long I couldn't really feel connected to many things. It was a lot of self absorbed obsession that I was connected to, which was the best I could manage at the time and now I have this other way, that didn't just magically happen.

K ma and I have been rummaging through the neighborhoods trash. Bulk trash night. We dress in all black and gray and have a flashlight. So far I have gotten a desk, a coffee table and two shelves.

10 years ago.

 

I just finished reading Franny and Zooey and I am going to see a German movie tonight. I feel so goddamn artsy I could die.