I've got a song to sing

I moved to Austin in 2012, with a vague dream. To write an album. I had just finished a draft of a memoir and I wanted to lighten things up. Have some fun. So I bought a guitar, took a few lessons and as usual got distracted.

I feel like I am back on course after an invigorating song writing workshop at Esalen. I sang in front of people for the first time, then did it again 6 more times and by the end of the workshop, I had to perform a song as our group did a concert.

My first song was a Patty Griffin cover. Florida. I got through it, barely. People in the group were kind, even telling me that I had a nice voice. There were about 20 other songwriters in the group, from professionals to novices and we all went about the week on our assignments creating new songs, working on old ones. I really enjoyed the creative process, even if singing in front of others was daunting and borderline humiliating. The hardest part for me was singing and playing guitar. At my level, the combination of a written song, composed music and singing is a lot. Frankly, I need help.

My songs were on the heavy side, so to lighten it up a bit, I did write a rap song about Catitude.

Somewhere in an alternate universe, there are a group of crazy cat people sitting in a circle, talking about how much catitude they have.

So the night before our performance day, the teacher, Julie Baker challenged me to perform my own song. I really wanted to do a cover! So with the help of a really excellent guitarist Lance, I sat down the next day with what I had to say.

We went through it three times and then show time. Oh man! What a rush, performing a song live, that I made, that people seemed to enjoy. It was such a high. I was so proud of my fellow songwriters too, I thought we put on a great show. It had to be the most eclectic, array of songs combined that I have ever seen. The best part of it, was I felt so connected and happy. Making me realize, this is how I want to connect with others. Music is the most universal, powerful way to connect and I want in.

Cowboy joy!

 

Now, here I am driving back to Austin, one of the musical capitals of the world. I have always loved music, it has been such a force in my life. Falling in love with songs and artists since I was a young boy. There was always a disconnect, I never thought I could do music or be a musician. Something stirred inside my soul this last week.

 

My life used to be easy

things came simple for me

I could sing, I could dance, I could be

Got knocked down to the ground

and lost my voice

forgot how easy things could be

I still don't want to be seen, or heard too much

its painful for me

Still want to run and hide so much

 

But my songs getting louder

I'm getting brighter

I'm feeling stronger

things are getting better

 

and I've got a song to sing, yeah I've got a song to sing

 

I know I need to be brave

learn how to speak

I know I got things to say

Might not be nice

but the truth rarely can be

I still don't want to be seen

 

But my songs getting louder

I'm getting brighter

I'm feeling stronger

things are getting better

and I've got a song to sing, yeah I've got a song to sing

 

People might not like my song

tell me to shut the fuck up

and laugh

doesn't matter to me

if I like my song

and learn how to sing

 

and my songs getting louder

I'm getting brighter

I'm feeling stronger

things are getting better

 

And I've got a song to sing, yeah I've got a song to sing

 

I love you impermanence

Just beginning to reflect on the last year and a half. I haven't really had time to reflect lately and there is nothing like this time of year that puts me in that mental state. Last summer I was driving out west  to California to visit Julia and go to a massage workshop at Esalen. It was a great trip. Julia went on her first date with Steve the day I got there, and strangers then, they are now married as of yesterday.

Last summer I fell in love with Esalen(I can really only handle loving places at this point) during my workshop and I had to go back there as soon as possible and got lucky enough to get into a Buddhist  work study program and stayed two months. Although it was grueling and challenging, I know it was the best thing for me and I now have many new friends and connections and we can continue forward on this road of life, learning from and supporting each other.  Speaking of, I am going back next week to do a songwriting workshop, which terrifies me to sing in front of others or expose myself, but these are the things I want and need to do. I can't wait for Halloween!

 So there we were a decade ago, in Baltimore at the inner harbor, slinging cheesecake. Just a group of clueless kids from Maryland hoping for better things. Now Molly(who actually did the marriage ceremony) just finished acupuncture school, Julia's wed,  and me-well I'm just glad that I am not slinging cheesecake and loving my nomad incarnation.

I am truly grateful for the cycles of change, the life that I have and that the people who are important to me are doing well. The wedding was beautiful and I loved seeing Julia's family(she has a brother that's the male version of her) and Steve's family come together. It was so cool to connect with Julia's other lifelong friends. I really felt extremely welcomed and appreciated. Someone actually wanted me in their wedding party.

Now here I am cat sitting for the newlyweds, back in Redondo, with an ocean breeze blowing through the window and my only responsibility is to not kill a cat, I mean to take care of a cat and a baby tree.

 

Go West young man

I left Austin today after five days and finding a six month lease for November. I was headed west, destination unknown. Could I make it to Phoenix? To Tuscon? New Mexico or just have an easy day of going to El Paso. Even a red bull couldn't get me to New Mexico. My body is feeling it, my wrists hurt from too much of everything, massage, tennis, writing, doing. Sciatica starts to act up on long drives. Can't wait to nestle into Austin for the winter. I am do for a hibernation period. These last few years I sure have packed a lot in. I am not complaining, but typically this time of year is hard for me, the fall, and winter. Like someone once said and I am paraphrasing, why shouldn't we effuse as much as the seasons?

Austin reminded me of why I love that place and my week there couldn't have been better. Got to see my favorite barista. Bundt sisters. Patty Griffin and other members of my motley crew.

Sorry Kma, that's what you get for using the portapotty. Patty was brilliant. Speaking of musicians. I am actually taking a songwriting workshop at Esalen at the end of the month as part of this trip. I am really excited about it. I was practicing all day in my car. I ended up somehow making a mashup of Taylor Swift songs, it went something like.

 

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 32

My sciatica is acting up and arthritis is setting in too

but its ok, as long as I'm next to you, ooh ooh

 

It feels like one of those nights, when I go to bed in a strange city

and wake up alone and not sure where I am but

Everything will be all right, if we keep dancing like we're 32(ooh Ooh)

 

 Loving him was gray, ay ay ay

aye aye aye

Hating him was hard like I never knew

made my heart black and blue

Dreaming about us was purple light

and losing him was gray clouds in all of view

 

we're still happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time

We just have had ten more years of it and its starting to feel like

bitterness is on its way but it will be ok if we just start

dancing like we're 22

 

You don't know about me, and I bet you won't even want to

after reading this blog entry but everything will be ok

if we keep dancing like we're 22(ooh Ooh)

 

Taylor you make it look so easy. This is what happens when you spend too much time in your car alone with nothing but the radio. Clearly I need some work to hone my songwriting, but hey you gotta start somewhere. Esalen was where I did my Karaoke debut.

All that she wants is another baby. Ace of Base. Classic!

 

I am really excited for my trip. One of my best friends is getting married in Sacramento and then I get to cat sit for the emancipation of Mimi and practice my songwriting. I can only get better from here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dallas

I came to Dallas in middle school with my brother Josh to visit our Aunt Marie. My dads older sister. We had never met her, only two of her kids, our cousins, Matt and Tiffany. They would visit us occasionally at the farm and I loved them so much. I saw Tiffany last week at Marta's wedding, and she said what she remembers most when I was a boy was that I walked around wearing cowboy boots in my underwear. This really explains so much, and yet I have no recollection of this phase. I was young!

Aunt Marie was a successful doctor in an era when most women would become teachers or nurses. She lived in an upscale neighborhood in Dallas, she had a maid, nice cars and would drop Josh and I off during the day at an amusement park or museum with more money than we had ever seen. She fed us food we had never eaten, gourmet shit. Mexican food. The last day she took us to a place that had onion rings and I got sick from all the new changes in my diet. I even complained to Marie that I didn't like my mom's cooking because it was too plain. Josh quickly defended my mom's cooking while Aunt Marie just uttered her usual direct one liners.

You know, your mom needs to learn how to cook.

Later in the trip she would offer Josh and I crème de menthe and Josh magnanimously protected me from my inevitable corruption. I was bursting to get out of the gates and try everything life had to offer. Marie loved her dogs more than anything and when Rudy her Doberman was driving in the front seat and started peeing everywhere I thought Marie would have a meltdown. She just laughed hysterically as if it was the cutest thing she had ever seen.

I would get to spend more time with Marie as I got older and I started to feel a strong connection to her. She loved tennis and invited me to the US open in NYC one year. Unfortunately the tennis got rained out but I got to spend lots of time with Tiffany and Marie. They took me to an upscale restaurant and made me order something I had never tried before(skate), took me for Indian food and brunch before I had to train it back home. Marie even came one year for Thanksgiving, where she cooked our family a Thanksgiving feast. Gourmet Thanksgiving of course.

 I will never forget her bursting into the kitchen, it was right after 9-11 and Marie although highly educated would say outlandish things. Like I don't know what all these Muslim people are doing praying, I mean they are just going to get dizzy. I found her hilarious, inappropriate and surprisingly tender hearted after everything was said and done. I had to leave the kitchen after Marie and my parents started in on the abortion debate.

Marie died of liver cancer in Tampa over ten years ago and she was such a strong, hard working woman. She was getting chemo therapy and still working at the hospital, one day she was too weak to walk to her car and had to use the wall to get herself there and when a coworker asked to help her, she refused. She was proud and strong until the end. I got to go to her funeral and still think of her fondly and miss her larger than life personality. She raised three successful, bright people who now have a total of 8 or 9 kids. She was a wonderful woman, full of tenacity and flaws and lived a great life. I remember her telling me if she had to do it over again she would of become an artist. She loved going to Asia and the simplicity of places like Burma. She got into making day of the dead dolls and made them with great attention to detail and she was a hell of a cook. So I think she got to see some of her dream come true.

So now, being back in Dallas about 20 years later for a tennis tournament, I really wanted to win not just for me, but for Marie too, who would of liked to see me do well and  probably would have had some great advice for me, like ya know, you just need to hit the ball.

This one is for you Marie.

Pink Flamingos and a grasshopper in Arkansas

There's nothing like pink flamingos to remind me of one of my favorite fellow Marylanders, John Waters, the filthiest person alive.

Went to the DC zoo a few days ago,  I will never forget going to the zoo in middle school with my sister Mollie and our friend who's name I won't mention since that story is going in the book under an alias, so stay tuned. ;)

I guess I am at a point in my life where I realize how important it is to share my story of everything I have been through and that I need to keep engaged in that process. I really liked this quote I saw after seeing the movie, Thanks for Sharing, in Bethesda.

 

 

 I really feel a surge of bravery and courage to keep telling it, even if it is chock full of mistakes and this delusion that I have that I will get to a better version of me doesn't seem to be any closer. So fuck it, what do I have to lose?

 

I have finally made it back to Texas, which feels great. I had an auspicious sign in Arkansas. A green grasshopper hopped on my car while I was getting gas. At first it was on the back of my car, and then when I was leaving, it was on my windshield. Of course I had to look up the meaning of grasshopper. They tell you to be patient and take the leap when you are ready. Grasshoppers only jump up and forward, they can't go backwards or sideways. Green grasshoppers indicate good luck is on its way.

 

I have to temper this with saying I do sometimes look too much maybe for signs and symbolism. I went through this period where I was looking at quarters to tell me where to go. That's fine and good except when you have to do laundry!

Coping hagen hon

I collected the belongings of my totaled car today. Feeling like the end of a relationship. I had deodorant, laundry detergent, a screwdriver, spare change, boxing gloves and luckily my title. Its fair to say I felt like an eclectic mess, ready to beg my car to take me back. Are you sure we can't work things out? I will even wear deodorant this time. Attachment issues continue.

Goodbye my sturdy little surfer. I am sorry it had to end so abruptly.

 

Deertick has a new album out, Negativity, with songs like Dreams in the ditch. They are so talented, I got to see them live in Baltimore a few nights ago. The lead singer is mega.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RHh5YipM4o

 

 

This is city café, in my old neighborhood in Baltimore, where I used to go to write down my fury. Decade sure does fly by and Baltimore still haunts me.

 

Lately I have really been wondering about this compulsion to keep moving, to keep busy to keep collecting-I think in Buddhist thinking its also called loneliness. One of its variations or incarnations.  Nomadism is starting to drive me a little mad. Or maybe its the other way around.

Baltimore Cathedral

 

I am thinking about the pain that causes one to go down a new path. Coping or not coping as the case may be. Thinking about all the choices I have made throughout my life. Maryland, DC gives me some energy to see where I have come from. Some of my dreams are in the ditch, some have come to pass, but I'm still dreaming. Copenhagen here I come.

 

Taciturn reticence

Push yourself Precious.

This is encouragement I like to give myself when things are getting tough. Precious has been a role model for me these last years, because good God Almighty, if Precious who was raped by her fahvah can keep going, then I sure as shit better be able to. Although she is fictional, Precious is very real to me. Reminding me to keep pushing through to tell my story. To be bold and speak my truth even when I don't want to or know quite how to put it/

Lord knows there are plenty of preciouses walking around on this planet, which reminds me of Gollum. Who is grasping and creepy-addicted to his precious. Sometimes I can relate to that too, "my precious" usually involves some sort of pleasure. Frankly, there aren't too many people or creatures I can't relate to on some level.

Today I got to have a new experience of commentating on a tennis watch of my friend Jon Guerrica that was being broadcasted(obscure station) and I really enjoyed it. It was surprising for me because I am not much of a talker but I really enjoyed being able to watch and explain what was going on. Old Tassy didn't even show up. Who's Tassy you might ask?

That's old taciturn reticence.

In any event, I am back in DC really trying to find things I like and see the beauty. The Embassies and multiculturalism are one of the best things DC has going for it.

For me this is the most beautiful building in DC, its the Islamic Center on Massachusetts Ave.

 

Had a little wake up call this last weekend. I got in my first car accident. It's intense how much life can change in an instant. It made me want to be a better person. Not better in a conventional sense, but just more cautious and aware so that I don't make any horrendous mistakes altering my life or someone else's. I really am learning I do not like making mistakes. In fact I hate it and I hate that I hate it and on and on it goes.

 

These last few weeks have been a bit stressful for me, I have been making more mistakes than usual and found myself spiraling. I feel I am on the other end, getting back to basics of mindfulness, self care and slowing down. Now I realize I only have a few more weeks left of being in DC and things overall have gone really great. Instead of projecting all my shit on DC, I am learning to enjoy and appreciate it again with fresh eyes and things are much better that way. My next stop is Baltimore, can't wait to do a blog on Baltimore, in the meantime, precious will keep on pushing herself but hopefully not over the edge.