so much

Hi fellow blogaholics. Writing from the colorful state, Colorado. I am completely car-dependent. After 4 pep boys in the last month, I think I have finally gotten to the root of what's wrong with my car. It really is a luxury to have a car, something I take for granted all the time. I realized as I had to walk 3 hours to get my medication filled this morning. Hope my car holds up for my 14 hour drive to Chicago.

Caffeine+getting crazy=destination.

 I really love things that are in construction and I also like the other extreme of things that are abandoned. Beauty on both ends. I am not sure if they are really opposites. Does abandonment have an opposite? I have abandoner issues. My nightly dreams have been anxiety ridden but my daytimes are pretty pleasant. I keep telling myself everything is going to be ok and so far its true.

That reminds me, driving here from Wyoming, there was a rainbow. I would add the photo but my camera sucks and you can barely see it. With rainbows, you kinda have to be there. Wish you could have been. Now as I'm writing, there is another one out of my hotel window. That's my 3rd rainbow in the last month. :) It's almost full circle.

I got to play tennis yesterday with some tennis friends. Playing at altitude takes some getting used to, but I am ready to get back in the game and back in tennis shape. I have a tournament in a few weeks in Chicago. I think I'm becoming a better loser. Its really hard to not make excuses sometimes.

I came to Denver last year for about a month and it was one of those trips that was both equally terrible and wonderful. It all started off wrong with the person I was renting a place from lying to me and me having no recourse, so I ended up staying basically in Aurora(horrible) it was right after the massacre in the movie theater and the energy was strange. I lost my bike too on the drive up due to heavy winds. Bikes+sunglasses=why bother?

I missed Austin being here last year but this year I am more emotionally stable. the Lumineers music was blowing up last year at this time and I liked learning their story. made me want to be in a band. Still want to be in a band one day. so many dreams. hope I make them all come true.

Last year I ended up having a roommate in my rental when I was told I would have the place all to myself. Long story. My roommate was a 60 year old alcoholic that was just dumped by his wife and was in a sad state. We watched the summer Olympics a few times together and when he wanted to talk about his prostate problems, that was my breaking point. Living there forced me to get out as much as possible. so the other side was that I connected with an old high school friend and some tennis guys. They really salvaged this place. Going to the mountains helped and I had a few other fun experiences too. ;) Ended my journey by going to Boulder and hanging with another old Cheesecake friend Molly. that was a blast. Never met a Mollie I didn't like(that's not a drug euphemism).

Am I a euphemism?

So many directions I could go. I am reading two books. One is my favorite Middlesex and the other is by my friend Nicole Nelch, its her debut-Authentic Shit. Nothing like falling in love with a book, or a story or the author. Sometimes I feel like I am a really honest person but I think that's a total lie. I guess that's the thing with memory. I could dig a lot deeper, but lately all I want to do is talk about the weather. Sometimes its better this way.

I am gonna go to the mountains and proclaim. I MATTER, BECAUSE I AM MADE OF MATTER AND MATTER MATTERS!

If I matter, you matter then what we do matters and I think that's better than the alternative.

Aden and I in the mountain with her friend in the middle and River(dog). Aden and I went to the movies last night. I remember watching There is Something about Mary with her in high school, we laughed our asses off. Last night, not so much. Its nice to see old and new friends along the way. Until next time, mountain people.

SL,UT

I left LA for Big Sur but I decided to come back because it was closer than Salt Lake and 6 hours of driving seemed better than 10. My last few days in LA afforded me a chance to go to an art museum, the Lacma.

A few things really struck me. First, the art guards. I was very curious how they stand there all day. In one section photos were not allowed and the little Asian guard was all over it. I still managed to rebelliously snap one of a Picasso when he wasn't looking.

 I asked another how she liked standing there all day. She said it beats being on the streets. I realized with all these images how hungry my mind is for words. Words stimulate me and mediums without words only take me so far.

this piece moved me the most. At first I was impressed with the human figure, its made of matches. Its called Congo, shadow of a shadow. The artist is Mpane. Quoting from what was written about it "Installation is formed by using 4,652 matchsticks to express the paradoxes of human strength and fragility, and the resolute ability of Congolese to transcend the horrors that have befallen their nation."

 

The natural beauty of Utah is glorious. The greens, reds, blues, yellows and beiges made me so happy to be out of the clusterfuck of LA. Salt lake city has a such a different energy than anywhere and arriving after LA made me appreciate the widest streets. no traffic, the mountains in the distance. I made it to the main temple. I wanted to learn something about Mormonism.

I must say, my energy shifted after being there. I felt more peaceful but I am still unclear if it was God or if my crazy pill started to kick in.

 

Lord knows I have been and can be extremely irreverent when it comes to certain things. I'm really not a fan of people masculinizing God. If you want God to be your daddy, that's your business. I prefer the combo pronoun, he/she it which I sometimes shorten to He shit. Blasphemy. Don't worry because like a good Catholic boy I am gonna flagellate myself later after confessing my sins.

 

In all seriousness, I did throw some pennies in the fountain and like a good Buddhist, I wished all beings happy and free of suffering. Even me.

 

 I saw hats that read SL,UT(salt lake, Utah) and I am still contemplating to buy one to add to my hat collection but I don't like redundancy. Its like a pot head wearing a shirt with a pot leaf on it.

 

Speaking of, I would never be the kind of person that would make blanket statements. You know like religion is stupid or society is stupid or humans are stupid. This stupid human wants to attempt an open mind and learn something in all sincerity. I am trying to make friends with the concept of God and other peoples concepts too. I like it here in Salt Lake, people are really decent, like most of them actually acknowledge you exist. Its eerily peaceful here. I am glad a place like this exists. Its one of the most unique places I have been to and something tells me, SL, UT hasn't seen the last of me.

 

I was chatting with one of those people(in a whisper voice-Mormon) and I was like, I don't know much about it but I do know I never met a Mormon I didn't like. He joked and said, this is true. Mormons and Canadians.

Gnome around the world

Hello all you beautiful snowflakes. I want to tell you about my day. I can't tell you about my day without telling a little about me and my life.

 

I made a beautiful drive yesterday. From LA to Esalen in Big Sur. Pacific coast highway is simply the most magnificent drive I have ever experienced. It was hard to leave LA, emotionally, I grew rather fond of staying with my friend(love you) and finally felt slightly adjusted to the entity of Los Angeles. Esalen is the antidote to LA, and its polar opposite. As soon as I got to Big Sur I felt like a completely different human.

 

I am completely car-dependent, as I realized when I was out of gas out in the wilderness. Luckily my Honda's reserve took me to where I needed to be. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I spent a few months here last year. It has been such a treat to remember why I fell in love with this place and see some of my friends there.

Rebel without a cause. Taken by my girl Nicole Nelch, who is now an author and I can't wait to tear into her books.

I would never be the kind of person that suggests to always look on the bright side
or keep things positive because I actually love negativity. It can be very profound. Lord knows I can get bitter Betsy in an instant. Plus just getting to the good from the bad, is way too simple minded for me. I like something that allows room for everything. Lots of space. Fresh air. I went through a really rough period here last here, internally I was really in some anguish. Now 6 months has passed and I realize the merit of experiences like that. I was probably blaming this place for my pain, but the reality is that being in a supportive environment was exactly what I needed while I was in that struggle, but when I was in it, I couldn't see the forest from the trees.

I want to say a little about reference points and as a nomad, they are not only useful but essential. If home is where the heart is, then Esalen has some of my heart and that feels good. A place that I can go and instantly feel connected to the people, land and my own memories. 2 Thumbs up.
I have been fortunate enough to find various places that I feel at home. Austin, Esalen, even LA and more and more just America feels like home. There is also an obsessive fling I am having with Berlin.

I have had a lot of dreams throughout my life and I think dreams are so important, not just the ones you have at night so you can work shit out.
Also the desires for the life you want. I think in some cases desire can be excessive and even deadly but its important I feel to be in this process of actively creating your life to suit what you are and can be. I am so glad I have found a place like Esalen, I can feel it will be ingrained in my life in ways maybe I don't even know. Already it is the place I have spent the second most amount of time in the last year. Time matters. Your time matters and one should use it accordingly.

I am trying to live my life like it already is, instead of coming from a place a lack.
 I am sick of apologizing for myself. I am a human that wants to give and receive love
and do all kinds of interesting things. Sorry, I am not just gonna sit back and hope for the best anymore. Fuck that shit.

Sometimes I am really frustrated with my own cowardice and I can keep giving myself CAKE
on a daily basis as I GNOME around the world.

Wanderlust

My friend handed me lonely planet The Travel Book this morning and I am already planning my next trip(eastern Europe) amidst my current trip. I know it is the opposite of being present. I don't care. Its a gigantic, beautiful world out there with so much to learn. Tragedies like Trayvon remind me, life is short. It can all end in an instant, haphazardly. I better soak it up while I can. Wanderlust. Elsewhere. Roaming calling me.

It doesn't mean I don't have conflicted desires. Whenever I am in a place I have constant conversation. Could I live here, how would life be if I lived here. Does it fit? I ran across puppies for adoption yesterday and my heart wanted them. White chihuahua/terrier breed with pink noses, brother and sister named cream and ice. Strange, I am not really a dog person and a pet is impossible right now. Nevertheless, the domestic life also whispers into my ear, with its alluring dog walks, dinner parties and routine. It seems the opposing fantasy of what I have becomes that more appealing.

I do feel getting older, I have to get more specific, I can only learn so much, do so much. I have to prioritize. One thing at a time. Today. Now. I need to trust and not forcibly rush my learning and appreciation. My perceptions are different as I age, I am less crazy(questionable) and more in touch with what I really want and need but still all over the place.

Even the city of angels, which is my fourth time here is alarmingly different every time I am here. I am different. Coming with my sister for the first time in 2006 to visit my brother, everything was so big, overwhelming and exciting. Going out in the evenings was normal. Three years later I came strictly for tennis and stayed with my friend Julia. It was a whole other view. Mostly of tennis. Then I came last year on a road-trip and I had a blast, so much fun hanging with Julia, going to Venice Beach, meeting some new people. This trip I am staying out in Redondo, still can't wrap my brain around the entity of LA, its magnitude. At the same time, its life, just like life is life everywhere.


Last year when I was here I bought one of my favorite artists Fiona Apple's cd. It took me about a year to get around listening to it and appreciating it. I think Fiona is a genius. A poet. An artist with integrity and vision. She has this song where she sings, "I'm a tulip in a cup" I love the diction and later on in the song, she states. I root for you, I love you.you, you, you." Tangent.

I'm not sure if this is a tulip or a rose. In any event. I am rooting for you, reader!

There is nothing I could say about this city that hasn't been said. I have my own relationship with it, which frustrates me, its too big, bombardment is undeniable. Craving. wanting, wanting, wanting. Its nice being out by the beach, away from the craziness. Redondo is low key, like me. I want that experience of being in a major US metropolis, but do I need it? Am I ready? New York? Do I want all those hours wasted in traffic? The ordeal of doing seemingly simple things? For what, to be part of it? I am still unclear, unimpressed. I do get a charge here, a jolt from the extremes of energy. Makes me want to go see a movie in the suburbs, eat at a chain restaurant and walk my imaginary dogs , ice and cream.

seven eleven

Synchronicity lately in my life has been a overwhelming. today, rainbow over 7-11 on 7.11. just a random moment. I am not usually a love and light kind of guy but I can't deny the experience I am feeling.

rainbow over Redondo. I am staying in LA with my close friend and she says whenever there is major synchronicity, there is a big change about to happen. I am ready. we can see, in the meantime, I am really enjoying the present. the colors, trying to wrap my brain around the entity that is LA. I really feel like I got plugged into a whole different system or matrix. its exciting.

I think I need to do some stream of consciousness to illustrate my lack of point.

sacred and profane. Madonna/whore. vague prejudice. displaced. Ich wiess nicht. Middle ground. happy medium. Murder those asshole adverbs. I think you said it already. either go over the top, like excessively, really, extremely very much or don't exaggerate whatsoever. don't you dare try to have it both ways. unless you want to have seven personalities. Zeitgeist.

I hate to break it to you. not to mention something I am going to mention. unoriginal. experimental style. wee little cunt. fear of words. Boomerangs. Harangue. spit.  talk is cheap, cheap, cheap. birds chirping. clamoring for attention. black and blue. cruising for a bruising. dreaming in diatribe.

Norms

vegan satanists. Anomalies. simplicity. jeans and a tee, ocean breeze, doing laundry. just turn and burn. pop and lock. sprinkle and serve. plugged in, overstimulated. creative energy. gridlocked do gooder goody goodie- never enough and never not enough.

 is the answer a. dichotomy b. paradox. c. both d. all of the above. E. every thing is extra. you deserve nothing. I believe in love and I hope it leaves me be. Dejeme en paz. I ain't in peace. took a piece of me and I took a piece of you.
Pacienca. no pasa nada, es muy tranquilo. squirm. make some sentences. get my point across. rant and rave. combative redundancy. make me a believer neither.

Are we all just projecting our bullshit onto everything?

 alluring. Obsidian. Ubung macht den meister. dance. laugh with friends. refresher.

get it out there, get it off. let it flow. snatch it from the ether. new day. different era. change. ordinary. qualities. excessive. bleak. come to the point. shadenfreude vs sympathetic joy. will take the latter.

 sardonic vomit. y'all come back now ya hear. where is the mute button?

frenzied chimpanzee. rampager. game changer. $ is moot at this point. You know? no, I really don't, I am sure of that. sort of. Leprosy. lepers see.

Desert to Ocean

From the Arizona bone dry desert, to California. Phoenix was a pleasant stop over, I really felt like resting so I did. Had plans to go to Sedona or the Grand Canyon, however my hotel room was just too comfortable. I like Phoenix, there's a great coffee shop called Lux that is one of the top ten coffee shops I have ever been to.

Today was another adventure. My car starting stalling this morning but I decided to trek on. Driving in fear, I just wanted to make it to Redondo Beach, after that my car could break down. An hour outside of LA, my car went kaput. Luckily I got off an exit and wasn't road kill. Had someone tow me 20 miles(what my policy covered). Brian was the name of the tow guy, he started telling me about his tow business and I was glad for some company and learning a little about this stranger. I wasn't the only one with problems. I always know this intellectually but its a good reminder to experience it. He is working like a dog to get his towing business off the ground. He works seven days a week and is on call for a lot of that. More bad news at the car shop. My car needs 1300$ worth of work and I could be completely gouged, but they know I am driving cross country and my options are limited.

My friends pick me up out in Anaheim and we go back to Redondo. The cool breeze of the ocean air feels so refreshing, especially after the desert. I see some whales peeking out of the trees.

 Its time for a hearty Italian meal and I gorge on stuffed shells, chicken parmigan, and spicy sausage pasta. Then its time for a bike ride. I love bike rides. There is no way to be unhappy riding a bike in a beautiful place as the sun sets.

I made it. Got to live another day. It wasn't perfect but it worked out. So glad I had a friend to greet me and take me bike riding, that my car didn't stall in the middle of the highway. That someone could tow me, that I am near the ocean and out of the desert. Tomorrow is a new day. Start of a new California dream. You might even see me cruising around in this.

Stalkerazzi

It was love at first sight. 2006. US Open, this was before she had reached the finals of Wimbledon for the first time. Marion Bartoli vs Patty Schnyder, 3rd round. What was this miracle before my eyes? I got to see her again playing doubles with Shahar Peer. 2 hands on both sides, mass of dark hair and a French flair that captivated me. I may be a bit crazy, but one gift I have is that I can tell when someone has "it" je ne sais quoi. Marion had it in spades. Reminiscent of Monica but very much her own unique person.

I admit it, I turned into a bit of a stalker. Following her results obsessively. Gathering any info I could(her cats name is Callinette) When she came to Miami, I would watch her practices and even worked up the courage to ask for a picture(she said she had something to do).

This may be the closest I ever get to  Marion.

I have loved watching Marion evolve and grow. She may never be the greatest of all time but in my mind she is the most entertaining. From having an off the charts IQ to some of the craziest practice sessions, to being ridiculed and jeered, I can just watch her for hours. She is also really charming.

She's steadily improved year by year. She loves the game, is full of passion and humor. Intelligence combined with determination and consistent hard work has produced one of the most unique Champions of this era.

Marion makes me very happy and I have sympathetic joy for her success. I loved her before she had great results. I am a fan in victory and defeat.

 

So what does this have to do with being a nomad? Growing up obsessing about the professional tennis world, I dreamed of traveling the world all year long, it seemed like such a strange and wonderful life. It wasn't my destiny to become a pro and its not an easy job traveling with the tour all year, you actually have to work.

 

Now I feel I can let go of my obsession and fantasy and just be a fan. I don't need to be a stalker, obsessed and just let things be what they are. Marion can shine on. It's also so great to see Marion have a team around her, to be able to let people in on her success. Marion has always been a bit of an outsider, exiled from the French federation and it seems like now she has such a great balance and happy medium. Bravo Mademoiselle. I always knew you could do it.

Freedom and so forth

What a word, what a concept. Conjures up so many ideas and experiences. July 4th is a big deal for me. I grew up ashamed of myself, for many reasons and that oozed into any identity I had. Male, American, tennis player. Whatever I was I felt bad about it. So its been a real long process to embrace what I am and that means being an American. Love it or leave it baby.

When I was 18 I had my first break from reality, I was hospitalized July 4th and put into a mental hospital and got another identity I could be ashamed of. Bi-polar.
 As if I didn't have enough problems.

me on medication

I soon dropped out of college since I was failing all my classes. During this time I got off illegal drugs. I was too scared to use anymore because of my brain chemistry. I still craved but it lessened. Then two years to the exact day on July 4th I had another episode and went to another mental hospital in Alexandria.

I will never forget being in that hospital with caged windows watching fireworks from my window feeling anything but free, still under a deep delusion of hatred and fear, however something clicked then, a little message. I had to go through this in order to be free and I was able to accept, surrender and go to bed.

I have had a few hospitalizations since then, but never during July 4th. I had one more major hospitalization in 2005 which was triggered by my grandmothers death, and a follow up at Shepherd pratt when I went off meds prematurely.

2006 was a major shift year. I started working doing massage and fell in love that year. I spent the 4th in Florida doing a week long training at the Bollitierri academy. My life was improving. I was free to play tennis again. I was beginning to put in some hard work towards my dreams and it felt great.

The last seven years I have been pursuing all my dreams. There have been a lot of ups and downs. I have been on and off some medications. I have avoided mental wards. Been able to pursue tennis, spirituality, writing, traveling and being who I want to be and just being what I am.
I am really glad for my struggles because now I can appreciate where I am so much more.

2013 I am in Phoenix, on another roadtrip, and I must remember that crazy man in the hospital and how far I have come in 11 years to have a semblance of sanity and I see I have a long way to go and right now is ok.

Osho says in order to have freedom from you need to have freedom to. I have freedom from mental institutions. I have freedom from the delusions of self hatred, punishment and playing god. I have freedom today to write, to right any wrongs I can. freedom to give and receive love. Freedom
to dance. To roam around the globe. To appreciate life. To sing and write songs. Write books. Keep learning, keep and open mind and open heart. To have a sense of humor. To eat multiple meals in a day and drink good coffee.

To attempt to be present in the moment. to forgive myself. to ask for mercy, bypass my old familiar foes of self hatred, rage, shame, and punishment.
Freedom to take responsibility.

Chogyam Trungpa's book Myth of Freedom reminds me to, of the impermanence of it all. That all these are my stories, not so solid. I may be a shred more free and a shred more happy, however I cannot say I am free man, being caught up on a daily basis in the dream of lust, desire and the future. Hatred still crops up, anger, fear and shame. I can be more aware now and find a way out faster, so they may be more intense sometimes but tend to be shorter lived. I don't think I would of got here without spirituality in my life. Buddhism, recovery, meditation and lots of other people along the way. I wouldn't be here in this world without my parents, so thank you for bringing me into this crazy world.

I just have to credit someone who has been my main spiritual teacher, although not officially. Pema Chodron says Maitri(my-tree) is the basis of compassion. Maitri translates as unconditional friendliness for oneself and with life. Making friends with myself has been anything but easy and I still struggle with it but I can now have a lot of compassion for people with similar struggles. People who hate themselves, crazy people of all variations, people who do awful things under the delusion of hatred, terror and are looking for anything to get relief.

I love you, you awesome, mediocre piece of crap.

For the first time in my life I can say I am proud to be American and I love the USA. Time is winding down. What do you want to be free from?

Meep meep

Wow, what a day to be a nomad. I love this image of the roadrunner. I used to call myself a road dog but I think roadrunner is a more apt description. I think I am more bird like than canine. According to Chinese astrology I am a rooster, unbeknownest to me for awhile, since I was born in 82 but in January and the Chinese new year is after my birthday.

Making my way from Austin to El Paso was a smooth ride. There were many signs along the way.

I love a good play on words.

 

Dead carcasses littered the highway. Vultures flew overhead. Waiting for death. Life was all around, birds, deer and me, I am there too. Uhauls on the road remind me I am not the only one in flux moving around.

 

I had so many cool moments today. At one point I was in deep coversation with my heart, asking it what it needs. Then I heard, it needs to be watered. At that precise moment when I heard that voice, I saw a green hose on the side of the road, it started to drizzle and a song by cat power was playing about the sky and water. It was a lovely synchronicity that made me feel loved. I had a similar experience years back on drugs. I guess I can be loved with or without drugs. Its nice to feel it, its probably around all the time, but today was heavy on it. I still feel unworthy a lot, but headed to a shred more worthy.

Then I hit a plateau for awhile. Followed by a lot of vastness.

"Put a penny on the track and wait for train sounds"

Deer as a power animal stands for gentleness, unconditional love and kindness.

Then I got brought back to the 90's

Mexican hoodies.

Before I knew it was in El Paso, and I was tired of driving. So I got a hotel and I was so lazy I ate at the nearby restaurant, then I parked next to this Shwagon.

We used to drive a car just like this. What a day chock full of wonder, remnants from my past and I ate at Cracker Barrel y'all. I am not sure exactly whats happening to me, but I like it. Sending everyone love from the road. Meep Meep.
To Tuscon tomorrow.