Freedom and so forth

What a word, what a concept. Conjures up so many ideas and experiences. July 4th is a big deal for me. I grew up ashamed of myself, for many reasons and that oozed into any identity I had. Male, American, tennis player. Whatever I was I felt bad about it. So its been a real long process to embrace what I am and that means being an American. Love it or leave it baby.

When I was 18 I had my first break from reality, I was hospitalized July 4th and put into a mental hospital and got another identity I could be ashamed of. Bi-polar.
 As if I didn't have enough problems.

me on medication

I soon dropped out of college since I was failing all my classes. During this time I got off illegal drugs. I was too scared to use anymore because of my brain chemistry. I still craved but it lessened. Then two years to the exact day on July 4th I had another episode and went to another mental hospital in Alexandria.

I will never forget being in that hospital with caged windows watching fireworks from my window feeling anything but free, still under a deep delusion of hatred and fear, however something clicked then, a little message. I had to go through this in order to be free and I was able to accept, surrender and go to bed.

I have had a few hospitalizations since then, but never during July 4th. I had one more major hospitalization in 2005 which was triggered by my grandmothers death, and a follow up at Shepherd pratt when I went off meds prematurely.

2006 was a major shift year. I started working doing massage and fell in love that year. I spent the 4th in Florida doing a week long training at the Bollitierri academy. My life was improving. I was free to play tennis again. I was beginning to put in some hard work towards my dreams and it felt great.

The last seven years I have been pursuing all my dreams. There have been a lot of ups and downs. I have been on and off some medications. I have avoided mental wards. Been able to pursue tennis, spirituality, writing, traveling and being who I want to be and just being what I am.
I am really glad for my struggles because now I can appreciate where I am so much more.

2013 I am in Phoenix, on another roadtrip, and I must remember that crazy man in the hospital and how far I have come in 11 years to have a semblance of sanity and I see I have a long way to go and right now is ok.

Osho says in order to have freedom from you need to have freedom to. I have freedom from mental institutions. I have freedom from the delusions of self hatred, punishment and playing god. I have freedom today to write, to right any wrongs I can. freedom to give and receive love. Freedom
to dance. To roam around the globe. To appreciate life. To sing and write songs. Write books. Keep learning, keep and open mind and open heart. To have a sense of humor. To eat multiple meals in a day and drink good coffee.

To attempt to be present in the moment. to forgive myself. to ask for mercy, bypass my old familiar foes of self hatred, rage, shame, and punishment.
Freedom to take responsibility.

Chogyam Trungpa's book Myth of Freedom reminds me to, of the impermanence of it all. That all these are my stories, not so solid. I may be a shred more free and a shred more happy, however I cannot say I am free man, being caught up on a daily basis in the dream of lust, desire and the future. Hatred still crops up, anger, fear and shame. I can be more aware now and find a way out faster, so they may be more intense sometimes but tend to be shorter lived. I don't think I would of got here without spirituality in my life. Buddhism, recovery, meditation and lots of other people along the way. I wouldn't be here in this world without my parents, so thank you for bringing me into this crazy world.

I just have to credit someone who has been my main spiritual teacher, although not officially. Pema Chodron says Maitri(my-tree) is the basis of compassion. Maitri translates as unconditional friendliness for oneself and with life. Making friends with myself has been anything but easy and I still struggle with it but I can now have a lot of compassion for people with similar struggles. People who hate themselves, crazy people of all variations, people who do awful things under the delusion of hatred, terror and are looking for anything to get relief.

I love you, you awesome, mediocre piece of crap.

For the first time in my life I can say I am proud to be American and I love the USA. Time is winding down. What do you want to be free from?