It doesn't mean I don't have conflicted desires. Whenever I am in a place I have constant conversation. Could I live here, how would life be if I lived here. Does it fit? I ran across puppies for adoption yesterday and my heart wanted them. White chihuahua/terrier breed with pink noses, brother and sister named cream and ice. Strange, I am not really a dog person and a pet is impossible right now. Nevertheless, the domestic life also whispers into my ear, with its alluring dog walks, dinner parties and routine. It seems the opposing fantasy of what I have becomes that more appealing.
I do feel getting older, I have to get more specific, I can only learn so much, do so much. I have to prioritize. One thing at a time. Today. Now. I need to trust and not forcibly rush my learning and appreciation. My perceptions are different as I age, I am less crazy(questionable) and more in touch with what I really want and need but still all over the place.
Even the city of angels, which is my fourth time here is alarmingly different every time I am here. I am different. Coming with my sister for the first time in 2006 to visit my brother, everything was so big, overwhelming and exciting. Going out in the evenings was normal. Three years later I came strictly for tennis and stayed with my friend Julia. It was a whole other view. Mostly of tennis. Then I came last year on a road-trip and I had a blast, so much fun hanging with Julia, going to Venice Beach, meeting some new people. This trip I am staying out in Redondo, still can't wrap my brain around the entity of LA, its magnitude. At the same time, its life, just like life is life everywhere.
Last year when I was here I bought one of my favorite artists Fiona Apple's cd. It took me about a year to get around listening to it and appreciating it. I think Fiona is a genius. A poet. An artist with integrity and vision. She has this song where she sings, "I'm a tulip in a cup" I love the diction and later on in the song, she states. I root for you, I love you.you, you, you." Tangent.
I'm not sure if this is a tulip or a rose. In any event. I am rooting for you, reader!
There is nothing I could say about this city that hasn't been said. I have my own relationship with it, which frustrates me, its too big, bombardment is undeniable. Craving. wanting, wanting, wanting. Its nice being out by the beach, away from the craziness. Redondo is low key, like me. I want that experience of being in a major US metropolis, but do I need it? Am I ready? New York? Do I want all those hours wasted in traffic? The ordeal of doing seemingly simple things? For what, to be part of it? I am still unclear, unimpressed. I do get a charge here, a jolt from the extremes of energy. Makes me want to go see a movie in the suburbs, eat at a chain restaurant and walk my imaginary dogs , ice and cream.
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