The pen is mightier than the head spasm

 I feel the urge to mention two meaningful experiences I had this year. The first took place in Austin and I was taking a class on memoir and in one of the email exchanges with the teacher, he called us authors. I don't know why exactly but it made me cry, to be referred to as an Author. That was the best thing someone could call me, I didn't know I could be that. Writer, yes, but Author felt so much more distinguished.

I have plenty of other identities that maybe I am not so proud of, but I feel like an Author is something I could be and am proud of. Working on my memoir stories and having that process, its interesting to come back to the farm. Part of me feels very disloyal, like somebody is going to get betrayed. I do feel more and more ready. Its the past and I have every right to do what I want with it and I know there can be all kinds of good and bad consequences from something like that. Nevertheless I am getting ahead of myself.

I went to the movies yesterday, to see the Remarkable Now. I love Jennifer Jason Leigh. It was a good movie, exploring emotion, time, and addiction. Story of my life.  You know it made me realize there are some areas in my life that maybe I have given up on. Just flat out, don't give a fuck. I think that's really not the right attitude. Sure is a slippery slope sometimes. Which takes me to the second experience. I was in Chicago enjoying my friend Nicole Nelch's first book, Authentic Shit when out of nowhere I realized I was being mentioned, in a real book, that was really published.

Do you know what she called me? ...... Bitter Betsy.

 I nearly peed my pants. In all fairness, it was I who coined the term(actually I stole it from Danny O). Nicole and I were on retreat last year at Esalen and we really bonded. Yeah, bitterness is something that I have to contend with in all honesty, its extremely easy for me to not give a fuck and find myself in that emotional frequency. I tend to not stay there too long. My life is way too good to be bitter for real. To me there is something funny about mock bitterness.

People have referred me to as brooding in my life and I have really made an effort to be a more friendly, kind human being and I think I have accomplished that in many ways. Do you think I want to be a brooding asshole? Believe me, I don't. The fucked up thing, is that people don't realize how much more of a jerk I could actually be. Ya know, it takes a lot of work to be this mediocre!

 In general I usually reserve the meanest stuff for myself. this is all getting back to my bigger dilemma of telling my story in an accurate, meaningful way in a way that ultimately is in alignment with my higher ideals of truth and kindness. I will just keep plugging away.

Having coffee with Mollie the other day, who stumbled in? No other than Cancer Napkin herself. I felt a pang of guilt. The conversation was strange and she ran out with the words, I have to dash.

 Speaking of cancer survivors, Alisa Kleybanova is back! I love her. She has the heart of a champion and is coming back from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Anyways, she really puts everything into every ball, to the point where someone, could of been me, could of been Daniel, nicknamed her head spasm and it just kind of stuck. then sometimes for fun we would just have random head spasms. I read an article about all her struggles and her determination to do the right things to get back on the court and being very clear about her intentions " I just want to be a tennis player." I love this single minded devotion and passion. I will be rooting for her!

This is what a head spasm could possible look like.

Spending my days in DC, decided not to go up to Boston. I am just really tired of traveling at the moment, so its nice to have something that's familiar. DC is an interesting place for me. Coming here as a kid for field trips and then in high school to come to raves, getting really high and dancing all night. Then I went to college at College Park for part of a semester before I dropped out. Got started doing massage here. Its where I fell in love for the first time. Its been a setting and backdrop for many different time periods of my life. So always I am flooded with memory and feeling. Its where I feel like I got back on a good track with my life. Doing massage, getting back into tennis. I know what its like to lose your health and have to do all the right things just to be able to function again. It takes tremendous resolve and for me, lots of good luck and help along the way.

 I woke up in Walkersville this morning, like what the hell am I doing in Walkersville? I do enjoy seeing my family. I want to use this time productively to spend with family/friends, work on my writing and music, get in better physical, mental and spiritual shape. For today, I am going to simplify, maybe have a head spasm or two before I proclaim. I just want to be an author. Well, I also want to be a good tennis player, well traveled, a musician and well rounded decent human being.  Its time to shake off Bitter Betsy and focus on my goals. Discipline and get back on a good track. I can acknowledge that I have come a long way, overcome some hurdles, and made it this far and there is still so much more that I would like to do with my time and energy while I still can.