Incarnation. Identity. Growth. Dreams.

As much as I love my current incarnation of being a nomad, there have been other identities that I never wanted, nevertheless were there and things I wanted to be that never materialized. Its a bit overwhelming to integrate all these years, all these experiences. So if its true the truth will set you free and hurts, honesty is the best policy, then what is my truth?

I was a child at some point. A farmboy. I even look happy and I got this treasure for a little sister.

8th grade was an awful year.I got fat and didn't want to be me.

Outside, I was becoming a strapping lad. Inside, I wanted to die and wanted out of my life.

High school was a mixed bag. Tennis kept me together, but inside I was deeply unhappy on so many levels. I got mixed up with the wrong crowd and drugs and fantasy land became more and more appealing. I became a raver before I knew it.

Getting fucked up is short term relief for long term inability to deal with anything.

Then I really started losing control. I started having psychotic meltdowns. After my 3rd one in 6 months, they finally diagnosed me bi-polar and got me in a mental hospital. Nobody told me that I was also an addict. Not sure I would have listened. I went to 5 mental institions within 5 years and was on and off so many medications. I never thought I would be able to have a normal life.

Failed out of college and my medications had me pretty fucked up. At least I was off illegal drugs. That was a wake up call. It was time to get my shit together.

When you find yourself in hell, keep going is great advice. It took me about 6 years of a daily struggle and then things clicked. I went to massage school, got in a relationship, got a best friend,

got back into tennis. 2007 I was moving to Miami to pursue one of my first loves and dreams. Tennis.

It took me some years, but I got in great shape and started to have some good results. Then I realized, I still wasn't happy. I had put too much emphasis on tennis and neglected my personal relationships and other needs.

 

Its a bit crazy for me to reflect on these last 30 years. How many identities I have had. How quickly things can change and how much things are rarely what they seem on the outside. As much as I love being a nomad and feel so lucky that I have been able to live out some of my dreams. I also know its all so fragile and fleeting. I still go through bi-polar episodes and its just not that big of a deal anymore. I love roaming around and having a feeling of freedom and movement. No matter what my incarnation or identity, I can't escape myself no matter how hard I try. Believe me, I have tried really hard. Lets just say that if my nomad, author self is the best part of me and the stuff I want to show, the bi-polar, addict in me is the worst stuff and the stuff I don't want to show or accept.

 

 I never in a million years could have imagined my life would be this good and it's not easy. I just want to keep growing, evolving and dreaming.

Maybe one day I will be a ghost, but until then I plan on enjoying my life, whatever the incarnation.

Continue my dream of being a free spirit.