The pen is mightier than the head spasm

 I feel the urge to mention two meaningful experiences I had this year. The first took place in Austin and I was taking a class on memoir and in one of the email exchanges with the teacher, he called us authors. I don't know why exactly but it made me cry, to be referred to as an Author. That was the best thing someone could call me, I didn't know I could be that. Writer, yes, but Author felt so much more distinguished.

I have plenty of other identities that maybe I am not so proud of, but I feel like an Author is something I could be and am proud of. Working on my memoir stories and having that process, its interesting to come back to the farm. Part of me feels very disloyal, like somebody is going to get betrayed. I do feel more and more ready. Its the past and I have every right to do what I want with it and I know there can be all kinds of good and bad consequences from something like that. Nevertheless I am getting ahead of myself.

I went to the movies yesterday, to see the Remarkable Now. I love Jennifer Jason Leigh. It was a good movie, exploring emotion, time, and addiction. Story of my life.  You know it made me realize there are some areas in my life that maybe I have given up on. Just flat out, don't give a fuck. I think that's really not the right attitude. Sure is a slippery slope sometimes. Which takes me to the second experience. I was in Chicago enjoying my friend Nicole Nelch's first book, Authentic Shit when out of nowhere I realized I was being mentioned, in a real book, that was really published.

Do you know what she called me? ...... Bitter Betsy.

 I nearly peed my pants. In all fairness, it was I who coined the term(actually I stole it from Danny O). Nicole and I were on retreat last year at Esalen and we really bonded. Yeah, bitterness is something that I have to contend with in all honesty, its extremely easy for me to not give a fuck and find myself in that emotional frequency. I tend to not stay there too long. My life is way too good to be bitter for real. To me there is something funny about mock bitterness.

People have referred me to as brooding in my life and I have really made an effort to be a more friendly, kind human being and I think I have accomplished that in many ways. Do you think I want to be a brooding asshole? Believe me, I don't. The fucked up thing, is that people don't realize how much more of a jerk I could actually be. Ya know, it takes a lot of work to be this mediocre!

 In general I usually reserve the meanest stuff for myself. this is all getting back to my bigger dilemma of telling my story in an accurate, meaningful way in a way that ultimately is in alignment with my higher ideals of truth and kindness. I will just keep plugging away.

Having coffee with Mollie the other day, who stumbled in? No other than Cancer Napkin herself. I felt a pang of guilt. The conversation was strange and she ran out with the words, I have to dash.

 Speaking of cancer survivors, Alisa Kleybanova is back! I love her. She has the heart of a champion and is coming back from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Anyways, she really puts everything into every ball, to the point where someone, could of been me, could of been Daniel, nicknamed her head spasm and it just kind of stuck. then sometimes for fun we would just have random head spasms. I read an article about all her struggles and her determination to do the right things to get back on the court and being very clear about her intentions " I just want to be a tennis player." I love this single minded devotion and passion. I will be rooting for her!

This is what a head spasm could possible look like.

Spending my days in DC, decided not to go up to Boston. I am just really tired of traveling at the moment, so its nice to have something that's familiar. DC is an interesting place for me. Coming here as a kid for field trips and then in high school to come to raves, getting really high and dancing all night. Then I went to college at College Park for part of a semester before I dropped out. Got started doing massage here. Its where I fell in love for the first time. Its been a setting and backdrop for many different time periods of my life. So always I am flooded with memory and feeling. Its where I feel like I got back on a good track with my life. Doing massage, getting back into tennis. I know what its like to lose your health and have to do all the right things just to be able to function again. It takes tremendous resolve and for me, lots of good luck and help along the way.

 I woke up in Walkersville this morning, like what the hell am I doing in Walkersville? I do enjoy seeing my family. I want to use this time productively to spend with family/friends, work on my writing and music, get in better physical, mental and spiritual shape. For today, I am going to simplify, maybe have a head spasm or two before I proclaim. I just want to be an author. Well, I also want to be a good tennis player, well traveled, a musician and well rounded decent human being.  Its time to shake off Bitter Betsy and focus on my goals. Discipline and get back on a good track. I can acknowledge that I have come a long way, overcome some hurdles, and made it this far and there is still so much more that I would like to do with my time and energy while I still can.

Fuzziness

So let me catch you up on the last week since I left Chicago. As I mentioned, I was on my way to Detroit. Well, sort of. I was actually playing a tennis tournament in a suburb north of the city. I wanted to go to Detroit and at least see it and take some photos. Unfortunately, I never did make it into the city. Here's why.

Life was so comfortable in the suburbs and the tennis tournament required a lot of energy. First night I got in, we had a Korean BBQ feast. Then the next day singles and doubles match, day after that another singles and doubles match with 2 more gigantic feasts. Then Monday I was in the final. I lost in a frustrating match. 6-4, 7-6. Afterwards the last thing I wanted to do was hang around Detroit and snap photos. Plus my car is kind of falling apart, not to mention my body so I just wanted to go. Now, I have a few reasons to go back to Detroit. Play the tournament again. see the city.

Special thanks to Gorman for housing me and welcoming me to the pack. His group of friends was hilarious and a real highlight of the weekend. I am still adjusting back to playing tournaments and finding the balance of fun, friendship, competition and wanting to play tennis at my best level. Tennis unfortunately for me can get really emotional and all my demons can come out, so I need to work hard so that doesn't happen. I get so uptight, overthink and can't relax. the perfectionism comes out and the wonderful emotions of fear, anger, hatred, frustration take hold and ughhh the arrogance. The embarrassment!

 These experiences motivate me to want to do better and also realize the importance of being connected to people so everything isn't such an isolated, pressure filled experience. I am such a headcase but I know if I work hard, acquire discipline, eventually I can get out of my own way. It has happened before and it can happen again. The loss stung for a few days but coming back home to Maryland and seeing family has been just what I needed.

Another T shirt to add to the collection

 

Seeing my sister Mary is such a treat. She is 16 and has grown so much even in the last 6 months. She gave me a present of a voodoo doll named Florence for protection against illness. I hope that includes mental! I was so touched. My 2 cousins are also visiting, so it has been great to spend some time with the young ones, who are so full of playful energy. Seeing my little brother who is back from Asia and getting to read the second book of his series. Going to have coffee again with Mollie later and was grocery shopping with Mom earlier. Car is in the shop. Its great to be back. I already feel tremendously refreshed.

I have gotten into the practice of gazing up at trees. This walnut has been on the property all my life and I feel like I just noticed it. What else am I not seeing?

 

I have a lot of mixed emotions from my youth and growing up on the farm and have written at great length about it. So coming back now to see my cousins, reminds me of my Uncle Matt bursting into our house in his joy, playing with us for hours, tirelessly, swinging us around until we are dizzy. Now his young ones are being pushed on the tire, getting their dizzy fix and find a caterpillar in the garden.

Remember seeing my first caterpillar turn into a butterfly.

 

I have been trying to think of this childhood thing that I heard, something about Mississippi and Delaware and out of nowhere my cousin Rafael recited the whole thing.

 

If Miss issippi wore a New Jersey, what did Delaware?

 

Idaho(I don't know), Alaska.

This baby horse was just 9 days old.

 

I have made a full circle revolution around the country.  Had a beautiful day on the farm and now I am getting antsy and restless. Its great to have a place to come back to, to put it all in perspective. To experience some awe and appreciation of the cycles of life. As soon as my car is fixed I am driving to Boston.

Life of a recalcitrant miscreant

Greetings. Its my last day in Chicago and enjoying my last day here. Its a bittersweet day as Miss Marion Bartoli announced her retirement. I am sad I won't see anymore matches(thank god for youtube)but grateful for all the entertainment and happy for her future. Something ends and something begins. Its nice that she is ending her career in the mid-west, where I am now.
She is a passionate genius so I think she will be ok. So time to focus on my life.

It's a pretty good life, even if I am a recalcitrant miscreant. Reading this great book by John Steinbeck, East of Eden courtesy of K-ma. A good book is one of my greatest pleasures in life. was hanging out in my sisters old hood, Andersonville. Went to one of my favorite vintage stores which was filled with toys from the 80's. My little ponies, teenage ninja mutant turtles, I had to resist buying another popple. I did buy some X-Men stickers. got a great one of Rogue and one of Jubilee. Can't wait to put them on my computer. Such a dork!

 

Ready to leave Chicago and gearing up for Detroit where I am playing another tennis tournament.

had a nice view of sears tower yesterday. Goodbye Chicago. Time to go. The open road is calling.

Ukranian village

Well, to follow up from my last blog. I lost to Jose, 6-4, 6-3. It was a really frustrating loss, but I have to give credit to Jose who just played better in the important moments, and at 47 years old he really is a great champion of the GLTA. I had a lot of chances, and was up 3-2 in both sets. It was really aggravating because I didn't execute my gameplan, which was to go for it and keep the points short. We ended up playing long rallies from the first game. I wasn't getting any free points off my serve and was really struggling to put away vollies, overheads and short balls. I fought hard and gave it my all. Just made too many mistakes and couldn't control my emotions. So after the high of a good win and adrenaline, came the low of defeat. Ultimately it was a really good gauge of where I am at and I have a whole slew of things I can work on and need to improve. I couldn't believe how sore my body was for 2 days. I was actually relieved to not have to play another match.  I am really eager to get back to work on my tennis game. These tournaments are like a marathon. Being able to play well matches 3 days in a row, is no easy task.

Now, I have a few days left in Chicago. I have really fallen in love with my neighborhood. Which is in between UK village and Wicker park. Someone told me today its actually called West Town, which reminds me of that Pet shop Boys song. Think I am gonna go listen to that now.  Its really low key and I found a great vintage tee(I officially have a T shirt addiction).

I love this tee, its so old and comfortable. Nice bright blue and geography. I can actually learn the Caribbean islands.

 

I have really gotten comfortable in my little Chicago neighborhood. I have found some great places to eat, Milk and honey café/Trattoria Ultimo and just found a great coffee shop. I think I may need to include being here at least a few weeks every year. Summertime in Chicago is great. These last two weeks have been great.

St. Georges Cathedral, on my walk to coffee and breakfast every morning.

 

Today is my last day in the neighborhood. Next stop. Detroit. I am really excited about this.

Actually, that happened

Ok, I am just gonna say it. Chicago is so much more weird than Austin could ever hope to be. Chicago feels like another era to me. the 90's. Lollapalooza. the fashion. the accent. the a's and the i's. The people watching makes up for any irritation my ears experience. don't cha know. I am obsessed with dialects and accents and Midwest is the motherlode of dialects. jackpot. I think NY, Boston and Midwest have the most distinct accents. Maybe southern drawl could be thrown in there. so fascinating. why do we speak so different?

freedom, get your freedom

 

Tennis, gearing up for my second tournament this year. I haven't had any consistent training lately, but I am trying to gear up mentally and emotionally for competition. tennis is so mental, a strong mentality can carry you to victory even if your body and game is holding up. Just to give you a window in my craziness. As soon as I saw the draw for my tournament my mind and body started to experience anxiety. My mind goes everywhere in preparation for matches sometimes. I get used to the adrenaline rushes after competing regularly but my body and mind haven't been training under intensity and duress for a few years. Even before my match today I was imagining the story would tell if I lost. (Hello everyone, I lost my match today and am now drowning my sorrow in deep dish pizza.)

 

Alas, I am here to tell you that I will live another day before any sorrows are drowned in a deep dish. Who knows maybe I will even be eating one in celebration in victory. I won my 1st match today! I played someone who had beaten me back in 2006 so it was doubly satisfying. I actually played a really solid first set, winning 6 games in a row, for a 6-1 score. Then the second set, I started to get a little overconfident and then it got really close. 3 all, 4 all, served for it at 5-4. 5 all. I was choking a bit at this point, scrapped to get it to a tiebreaker then won in straight sets. 6-1, 7-6. I am so happy to win and it feels so good. I didn't play great, but I kept a positive, fighting spirit and pulled it out. I couldn't be more happier about my win. Winning feels good!

 

Tomorrow, I play my nemesis, Jose Sambas. I think this will be the 5th time we are playing in singles and I have never beaten him, although the last time was our closest. 7-6 in the third.  I am hoping 5th time is the charm. I am just going to go out there and go for it. The tournament is indoors and pretty speedy, so that's my strategy. Let you know how it turns out. hopefully not like this.

This little beetle was struggling to get to the right side. I loved the fluorescent green color. I had to snap a photo before I set him right. I'm so compassionate. One more thing, this is really narcissistic, but I shaved my head yesterday and now rocking a short do. I found a chain so now I am rocking my tiger pendant courtesy of Jude M. I think tomorrow I am rocking the wolf shirt with my tiger necklace. Sorry, I have to go, I have to pick out my outfit.

August and everything after

One of my all time favorite albums. Counting Crows. August and everything after.  Driving through Omaha, NE-somewhere in the middle of America, reminds me of everything, my own strange childhood, the 90's. Get right to the heart of the matter.

Cornfields, cows, hay bails, barns, silos, irrigation systems, fertilizations bring back familiar feelings. 3 gas tanks, 4 caffeinations, 1050 miles and a formidable drive is behind me. Omaha and Des Moines are drive bys, I want to get to my destination. It wasn't a day where it was all about the journey. fuck the journey. get me to my destination! My car held up. On long drives I start to lose my equilibrium. I know the world is spinning but usually after driving 10 or more hours, I can feel it spinning a lot or maybe that's just me(what's the difference?)

There is a new canvas in my flat. "there are secrets" painted by my landlady. It reminds me of my sisters. If only I had somewhere to put it, I might buy it. Speaking of my sister I was thinking of her today as I passed a stand where they were selling helotes, she has this character that sells helotes. needless to say, her comedy is absurd. My sister is probably the reason I am in Chicago now. I know I shouldn't compare but just to give you an idea of how me and my sister differ. She's a comedian that has been blessed with the ability to make everything into a good time. I took the opposite approach. no fun ever!

In many ways we are very similar, we grew up a year apart with the same parents, same 7 siblings, both bi-polar and both lesbian. Astrologically we are twin like too, if you buy into that sort of thing. Her sun is in Gemini and so is my moon. My sun is Capricorn where her moon is.

I was reflecting on the last decade and the first time I came to Chicago was driving with my family for my cousins wedding, that was 2004, it was in the middle of winter, freezing and I just remember shopping on Michigan avenue, my sister just wanting to shop at Diesel, my brother just wanting to go to boystown and me not having much of an opinion.

Wow, things have changed the last decade. Later, Mollie would move to Chicago to pursue comedy and I visiting again in 2008, it was nice to see her and Chicago seemed ok, but I didn't connect with it, I liked the bright colors of Miami, Chicago was too drab for me. I came the next year to play a tennis tournament with Daniel, again, great to see friends and sister, but didn't have a connection with the city.

It was about 2 years ago when I fell in love with Chicago, or the experience I had here. Mollie and I decided to drive back to Chicago after my other sister, Monica's(also a Gemini) wedding. It was just once again one of those dreams of perfect timing and what I call a joy boom. The weather was perfect, sunny, the leaves were changing and it was a window of a few weeks of perfect weather before foreboding winter was on its way. I stayed in Andersonville with Mollie, where we started referring to ourselves as Reenie and Schnoogie. They were brother and sister of our grandmother that ended up never marrying and living with each other til they passed away. Mol and I would joke that that was our destiny. I will never forget driving back to the apartment with some crazy person on the street hollering, SCHNOOGIE, ITS REENIE! She spotted me in my car as she was on her way to dinner. We nearly peed our pants. Mollie was actually amidst a really intense breakup, and true to her style managed to turn almost everything into a really fun time. I got to see her perform some comedy shows. Do her Dove model character and the last Mo show, before Mo moved to LA.

I just remember food tasting much better-eating guacamole, hummus and nachos. Huge subs, Popeyes, pizza and drinking soda. There is something about this town that makes me want to eat crappy food. The cool coffee shops, the great neighborhoods, the vintage stores, the industrial warehouse feel, now I liked all the brick and neutral colors, start of an intense writing spurt, enjoying every moment and wanting more, more, more. It was such an unexpected surprise as the best trips usually are. Who was this person enjoying life?

as good things do, they come to an end. After an intense high like that, what follows is an uncomfortable period, a low, everything becomes irritating. I went back to DC, which wasn't Chicago and then back to Chicago, I wanted my good feelings, the right mixture of elements that held it- but alas the bliss was gone, and winter was right around the corner. So I knew I needed some sunshine and that's when I got a place in Austin for January.

Sometimes life gives you the perfect experience, its not manipulated or manufactured, it just happens. I think my sister is rubbing off on me, I am learning how to turn more things into a fun time. Sometimes life sucks and there is no way around it, no maneuver clever enough, pill strong enough,no quick bypass back to the good stuff. If it wasn't for Chicago, my sister and a million other elements I would have never known a joy so thorough and real. That's one of the main reasons that keeps me going. You never know what's around the corner in life. I didn't know as a kid listening to Counting crows what life had in store and now back in Chicago, its August and I get to enjoy these last summer days, and we can see what's after. More joy please!