Reflections on 2013

I'm not sure if animals are getting more suicidal or if I have spent too much time on the road this year. Talk about road-kill overkill. I even saw a dead beaver. I think I saw a dead bear too, but I may have been hallucinating. I also saw a tremendous amount of eagles and hawks. Living ones. Birds make me happy. I love seeing them fly in patterns. Reminds me of joy. This roadrunner/road dog has packed a lot of driving in this year. I have driven X country 3 times. Including 50 hours in the last week when I drove home for Christmas. Was a great trip. I almost got driven off the road by a mack truck but I made it in tact.

Stopped in Nashville on the way to and from. Also got to see a friend in Asheville. Was an interesting reference point. I stopped in Nashville 2 years ago right before I moved to Austin. I can't believe the 2 year cycle I have been able to create or co-create. It was 2 years of nomad madness. I think I found my home base and I also fell in love with a lot of other places. I don't want to be obnoxious and talk about all the great, amazing experiences I have had. However I am very pleased with my year and feel beyond appreciative for it.

2013 has been good to me and I have really good feelings about 2014. Want to get back into tennis training. Continue with my writing, music and learning German and of course being a nomad. Nothing made me happier to have a place to come home to after Christmas, so I think I am going to keep Austin as a homebase. I love traveling but I have had enough of being suspended in mid air. I am ready to plant some roots. If I need a break, I can hit the road. Go away for a week or two. Find a happy medium.

I have to mention Marion Bartoli winning Wimbledon for a highlight of 2013. The rest of my highlights were very personal, connecting with people, building friendships, realizing the importance of community and feeling more comfortable being known and seen. Reading some great books, listening to terrific music, eating great food. Had my low points too. I think I am getting a hang of this being a human being thing.

Tonight I am going to clean my house and get rid of all the things that aren't serving me and make space for the things I want in my life. I feel really clear about my goals for the year ahead.
2014! I am ready for you. It's time to get to work.

Get your karma out of my chi

I am really into 2014 right now. However there is still of plenty of 2013 to enjoy, hopefully. I have been reflecting on my year, the people I have met and the experiences I've had. 2013 was incredible. Being in Austin, ending the year here, in my comfortable neighborhood is right where I want to be.

Last year at this time I was sharing a room with 3 people at Esalen, I had a nasty case of poison oak, was on steroids, and I woke up one morning with my roommate meditating/growling in a chair right next to my bed. I really wanted to punch him in the face. I was OVER IT!

I woke up this morning with a conversation in my head. I was talking to an intelligent lady at Julia's wedding, who somewhat got in my face and said, how much evil do you need to know there is good in the world? I paused and was like, I don't need any. She really cracked me up-a compassionate vegan that hated the world and bawled at the beauty of the wedding ceremony.

 I will never forget how she looked at me, when a preying mantis flew over Steve and Julia while they were rehearsing their vows and I immediately looked up the animal symbology and showed her the obvious cool meaning of the Universe and the preying mantis. She looked at me like I might be the most pitiful, dumbass on the planet. I knew right then and there we were going to be friends. It took me a few days to crack through her barriers and a lot of wine but eventually we connected and had fun. She told me some really cool information about Greek times. She got a PhD in philosophy and told me her mind is like a small house, in the sense she invested money in it. It gave me a different perspective on money and value.

I realize that my favorite moments this year were connecting with people, they weren't big things like going to Thailand or Australia, which were great and even there, connecting with people was the best part of those trips. Meeting Mark in Bangkok and hanging out with his mom in their grandmothers home, taking a bath from a bucket and getting an authentic Thai massage. Meeting a Canadian in my hostel in Chiang Mai and spending some quality time with a stranger. Seeing my dear friend Jhanna in Sydney, having her pick me up at the airport after weeks of not knowing anyone. Everyone should be greeted by Jhanna at the airport. She is the best greeter. Total warmth and overjoy. Then meeting new Australian friends through tennis.

So these last two years of roaming around America has had a strange effect on me. First of all, I have kind of fallen in love with this country. The mountains, mid west, desert, California, Big Sur. I really live in a great country and it has its problems, some of which I am part of.

Emotionally growing up shame and self hatred really permeated all of me to the point where I hated being American when I was younger. I realize now it wasn't just me, it is kind of a cultural thing.
 I have different feelings now. I think our society has a shit ton of potential and I want to be part of it.  Be the change! And I still want to be a rebellious renegade doing my own thing.

It looks like I am going to settle in Austin for a bit. I am proud to be my weird self.

Sealy-Plan B

So apparently Sealy mattresses come from a little town in Texas where I spent this Thanksgiving. I love new experiences and I got to have a brand new Thanksgiving and the experience of shooting a rifle and a shotgun.

I'm glad I did it and know what its like.

Then some feasting could occur.

 Potatoes, stuffing, turkey, gravy. Cranberry relish. Cookies galore.

 

So this was my first Texas Thanksgiving. It was pretty much awesome. Board games, shooting guns, Improv games.

lastly but not least. was good old plan B. Mister Marsh wanted to know what plan B is. Lets just say it involves a turkey baster on the kitchen table, sisters, and a 30 something year old man, maybe he works at Pizza Hut, maybe he doesn't.

 

Lets just hope Plan A works out.

Bulk trash night

Feels so good to be settling back into Austin after four months being a roadrunner. I am getting very well acquainted with my mattress. The best word to describe where I am at, is nostalgic. This time of year makes me. Flashes of being in Chicago two years ago flood in, four years ago being in Miami I can also reminisce. Especially when B-ma gives me a book of Miranda July, No one belongs here more than you, that I read four years ago. I can remember exactly where I was when I read it. In my Miami apartment, this time of year, the fall. I loved the book. Its so sad, weird and wildly creative.

On a day like today, I am dreaming of Germany. I just signed up for a German class starting next year and planning to spend some time in Berlin this next summer to continue with my German speaking dreams, impractical as they are.

Life in Austin is great, I almost feel like I am in retreat. My neighborhood has everything I need. Meetings in the afternoon, meditation center is just down the road. Time to write in the mornings. I feel really content with my living situation. Living alone. Reading at night. Its been awhile since I felt this settled and simple. The great thing is that the main shift that's happened in the last four years, as crazy as its been, is that I feel more connected overall to life. 4 years ago, even though I was in a good place at the time. I was way too isolated and in my own universe. It hasn't been easy or comfortable to go through a lot of the changes but I am so grateful because it feels really good for me to feel this connection. Sure, I am afraid I will lose it, but I will enjoy it while it lasts. For me to feel connected to life, society, and others is almost miraculous, because for so long I couldn't really feel connected to many things. It was a lot of self absorbed obsession that I was connected to, which was the best I could manage at the time and now I have this other way, that didn't just magically happen.

K ma and I have been rummaging through the neighborhoods trash. Bulk trash night. We dress in all black and gray and have a flashlight. So far I have gotten a desk, a coffee table and two shelves.

10 years ago.

 

I just finished reading Franny and Zooey and I am going to see a German movie tonight. I feel so goddamn artsy I could die.

I've got a song to sing

I moved to Austin in 2012, with a vague dream. To write an album. I had just finished a draft of a memoir and I wanted to lighten things up. Have some fun. So I bought a guitar, took a few lessons and as usual got distracted.

I feel like I am back on course after an invigorating song writing workshop at Esalen. I sang in front of people for the first time, then did it again 6 more times and by the end of the workshop, I had to perform a song as our group did a concert.

My first song was a Patty Griffin cover. Florida. I got through it, barely. People in the group were kind, even telling me that I had a nice voice. There were about 20 other songwriters in the group, from professionals to novices and we all went about the week on our assignments creating new songs, working on old ones. I really enjoyed the creative process, even if singing in front of others was daunting and borderline humiliating. The hardest part for me was singing and playing guitar. At my level, the combination of a written song, composed music and singing is a lot. Frankly, I need help.

My songs were on the heavy side, so to lighten it up a bit, I did write a rap song about Catitude.

Somewhere in an alternate universe, there are a group of crazy cat people sitting in a circle, talking about how much catitude they have.

So the night before our performance day, the teacher, Julie Baker challenged me to perform my own song. I really wanted to do a cover! So with the help of a really excellent guitarist Lance, I sat down the next day with what I had to say.

We went through it three times and then show time. Oh man! What a rush, performing a song live, that I made, that people seemed to enjoy. It was such a high. I was so proud of my fellow songwriters too, I thought we put on a great show. It had to be the most eclectic, array of songs combined that I have ever seen. The best part of it, was I felt so connected and happy. Making me realize, this is how I want to connect with others. Music is the most universal, powerful way to connect and I want in.

Cowboy joy!

 

Now, here I am driving back to Austin, one of the musical capitals of the world. I have always loved music, it has been such a force in my life. Falling in love with songs and artists since I was a young boy. There was always a disconnect, I never thought I could do music or be a musician. Something stirred inside my soul this last week.

 

My life used to be easy

things came simple for me

I could sing, I could dance, I could be

Got knocked down to the ground

and lost my voice

forgot how easy things could be

I still don't want to be seen, or heard too much

its painful for me

Still want to run and hide so much

 

But my songs getting louder

I'm getting brighter

I'm feeling stronger

things are getting better

 

and I've got a song to sing, yeah I've got a song to sing

 

I know I need to be brave

learn how to speak

I know I got things to say

Might not be nice

but the truth rarely can be

I still don't want to be seen

 

But my songs getting louder

I'm getting brighter

I'm feeling stronger

things are getting better

and I've got a song to sing, yeah I've got a song to sing

 

People might not like my song

tell me to shut the fuck up

and laugh

doesn't matter to me

if I like my song

and learn how to sing

 

and my songs getting louder

I'm getting brighter

I'm feeling stronger

things are getting better

 

And I've got a song to sing, yeah I've got a song to sing

 

I love you impermanence

Just beginning to reflect on the last year and a half. I haven't really had time to reflect lately and there is nothing like this time of year that puts me in that mental state. Last summer I was driving out west  to California to visit Julia and go to a massage workshop at Esalen. It was a great trip. Julia went on her first date with Steve the day I got there, and strangers then, they are now married as of yesterday.

Last summer I fell in love with Esalen(I can really only handle loving places at this point) during my workshop and I had to go back there as soon as possible and got lucky enough to get into a Buddhist  work study program and stayed two months. Although it was grueling and challenging, I know it was the best thing for me and I now have many new friends and connections and we can continue forward on this road of life, learning from and supporting each other.  Speaking of, I am going back next week to do a songwriting workshop, which terrifies me to sing in front of others or expose myself, but these are the things I want and need to do. I can't wait for Halloween!

 So there we were a decade ago, in Baltimore at the inner harbor, slinging cheesecake. Just a group of clueless kids from Maryland hoping for better things. Now Molly(who actually did the marriage ceremony) just finished acupuncture school, Julia's wed,  and me-well I'm just glad that I am not slinging cheesecake and loving my nomad incarnation.

I am truly grateful for the cycles of change, the life that I have and that the people who are important to me are doing well. The wedding was beautiful and I loved seeing Julia's family(she has a brother that's the male version of her) and Steve's family come together. It was so cool to connect with Julia's other lifelong friends. I really felt extremely welcomed and appreciated. Someone actually wanted me in their wedding party.

Now here I am cat sitting for the newlyweds, back in Redondo, with an ocean breeze blowing through the window and my only responsibility is to not kill a cat, I mean to take care of a cat and a baby tree.

 

Go West young man

I left Austin today after five days and finding a six month lease for November. I was headed west, destination unknown. Could I make it to Phoenix? To Tuscon? New Mexico or just have an easy day of going to El Paso. Even a red bull couldn't get me to New Mexico. My body is feeling it, my wrists hurt from too much of everything, massage, tennis, writing, doing. Sciatica starts to act up on long drives. Can't wait to nestle into Austin for the winter. I am do for a hibernation period. These last few years I sure have packed a lot in. I am not complaining, but typically this time of year is hard for me, the fall, and winter. Like someone once said and I am paraphrasing, why shouldn't we effuse as much as the seasons?

Austin reminded me of why I love that place and my week there couldn't have been better. Got to see my favorite barista. Bundt sisters. Patty Griffin and other members of my motley crew.

Sorry Kma, that's what you get for using the portapotty. Patty was brilliant. Speaking of musicians. I am actually taking a songwriting workshop at Esalen at the end of the month as part of this trip. I am really excited about it. I was practicing all day in my car. I ended up somehow making a mashup of Taylor Swift songs, it went something like.

 

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 32

My sciatica is acting up and arthritis is setting in too

but its ok, as long as I'm next to you, ooh ooh

 

It feels like one of those nights, when I go to bed in a strange city

and wake up alone and not sure where I am but

Everything will be all right, if we keep dancing like we're 32(ooh Ooh)

 

 Loving him was gray, ay ay ay

aye aye aye

Hating him was hard like I never knew

made my heart black and blue

Dreaming about us was purple light

and losing him was gray clouds in all of view

 

we're still happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time

We just have had ten more years of it and its starting to feel like

bitterness is on its way but it will be ok if we just start

dancing like we're 22

 

You don't know about me, and I bet you won't even want to

after reading this blog entry but everything will be ok

if we keep dancing like we're 22(ooh Ooh)

 

Taylor you make it look so easy. This is what happens when you spend too much time in your car alone with nothing but the radio. Clearly I need some work to hone my songwriting, but hey you gotta start somewhere. Esalen was where I did my Karaoke debut.

All that she wants is another baby. Ace of Base. Classic!

 

I am really excited for my trip. One of my best friends is getting married in Sacramento and then I get to cat sit for the emancipation of Mimi and practice my songwriting. I can only get better from here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dallas

I came to Dallas in middle school with my brother Josh to visit our Aunt Marie. My dads older sister. We had never met her, only two of her kids, our cousins, Matt and Tiffany. They would visit us occasionally at the farm and I loved them so much. I saw Tiffany last week at Marta's wedding, and she said what she remembers most when I was a boy was that I walked around wearing cowboy boots in my underwear. This really explains so much, and yet I have no recollection of this phase. I was young!

Aunt Marie was a successful doctor in an era when most women would become teachers or nurses. She lived in an upscale neighborhood in Dallas, she had a maid, nice cars and would drop Josh and I off during the day at an amusement park or museum with more money than we had ever seen. She fed us food we had never eaten, gourmet shit. Mexican food. The last day she took us to a place that had onion rings and I got sick from all the new changes in my diet. I even complained to Marie that I didn't like my mom's cooking because it was too plain. Josh quickly defended my mom's cooking while Aunt Marie just uttered her usual direct one liners.

You know, your mom needs to learn how to cook.

Later in the trip she would offer Josh and I crème de menthe and Josh magnanimously protected me from my inevitable corruption. I was bursting to get out of the gates and try everything life had to offer. Marie loved her dogs more than anything and when Rudy her Doberman was driving in the front seat and started peeing everywhere I thought Marie would have a meltdown. She just laughed hysterically as if it was the cutest thing she had ever seen.

I would get to spend more time with Marie as I got older and I started to feel a strong connection to her. She loved tennis and invited me to the US open in NYC one year. Unfortunately the tennis got rained out but I got to spend lots of time with Tiffany and Marie. They took me to an upscale restaurant and made me order something I had never tried before(skate), took me for Indian food and brunch before I had to train it back home. Marie even came one year for Thanksgiving, where she cooked our family a Thanksgiving feast. Gourmet Thanksgiving of course.

 I will never forget her bursting into the kitchen, it was right after 9-11 and Marie although highly educated would say outlandish things. Like I don't know what all these Muslim people are doing praying, I mean they are just going to get dizzy. I found her hilarious, inappropriate and surprisingly tender hearted after everything was said and done. I had to leave the kitchen after Marie and my parents started in on the abortion debate.

Marie died of liver cancer in Tampa over ten years ago and she was such a strong, hard working woman. She was getting chemo therapy and still working at the hospital, one day she was too weak to walk to her car and had to use the wall to get herself there and when a coworker asked to help her, she refused. She was proud and strong until the end. I got to go to her funeral and still think of her fondly and miss her larger than life personality. She raised three successful, bright people who now have a total of 8 or 9 kids. She was a wonderful woman, full of tenacity and flaws and lived a great life. I remember her telling me if she had to do it over again she would of become an artist. She loved going to Asia and the simplicity of places like Burma. She got into making day of the dead dolls and made them with great attention to detail and she was a hell of a cook. So I think she got to see some of her dream come true.

So now, being back in Dallas about 20 years later for a tennis tournament, I really wanted to win not just for me, but for Marie too, who would of liked to see me do well and  probably would have had some great advice for me, like ya know, you just need to hit the ball.

This one is for you Marie.

Pink Flamingos and a grasshopper in Arkansas

There's nothing like pink flamingos to remind me of one of my favorite fellow Marylanders, John Waters, the filthiest person alive.

Went to the DC zoo a few days ago,  I will never forget going to the zoo in middle school with my sister Mollie and our friend who's name I won't mention since that story is going in the book under an alias, so stay tuned. ;)

I guess I am at a point in my life where I realize how important it is to share my story of everything I have been through and that I need to keep engaged in that process. I really liked this quote I saw after seeing the movie, Thanks for Sharing, in Bethesda.

 

 

 I really feel a surge of bravery and courage to keep telling it, even if it is chock full of mistakes and this delusion that I have that I will get to a better version of me doesn't seem to be any closer. So fuck it, what do I have to lose?

 

I have finally made it back to Texas, which feels great. I had an auspicious sign in Arkansas. A green grasshopper hopped on my car while I was getting gas. At first it was on the back of my car, and then when I was leaving, it was on my windshield. Of course I had to look up the meaning of grasshopper. They tell you to be patient and take the leap when you are ready. Grasshoppers only jump up and forward, they can't go backwards or sideways. Green grasshoppers indicate good luck is on its way.

 

I have to temper this with saying I do sometimes look too much maybe for signs and symbolism. I went through this period where I was looking at quarters to tell me where to go. That's fine and good except when you have to do laundry!

Coping hagen hon

I collected the belongings of my totaled car today. Feeling like the end of a relationship. I had deodorant, laundry detergent, a screwdriver, spare change, boxing gloves and luckily my title. Its fair to say I felt like an eclectic mess, ready to beg my car to take me back. Are you sure we can't work things out? I will even wear deodorant this time. Attachment issues continue.

Goodbye my sturdy little surfer. I am sorry it had to end so abruptly.

 

Deertick has a new album out, Negativity, with songs like Dreams in the ditch. They are so talented, I got to see them live in Baltimore a few nights ago. The lead singer is mega.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RHh5YipM4o

 

 

This is city café, in my old neighborhood in Baltimore, where I used to go to write down my fury. Decade sure does fly by and Baltimore still haunts me.

 

Lately I have really been wondering about this compulsion to keep moving, to keep busy to keep collecting-I think in Buddhist thinking its also called loneliness. One of its variations or incarnations.  Nomadism is starting to drive me a little mad. Or maybe its the other way around.

Baltimore Cathedral

 

I am thinking about the pain that causes one to go down a new path. Coping or not coping as the case may be. Thinking about all the choices I have made throughout my life. Maryland, DC gives me some energy to see where I have come from. Some of my dreams are in the ditch, some have come to pass, but I'm still dreaming. Copenhagen here I come.

 

Taciturn reticence

Push yourself Precious.

This is encouragement I like to give myself when things are getting tough. Precious has been a role model for me these last years, because good God Almighty, if Precious who was raped by her fahvah can keep going, then I sure as shit better be able to. Although she is fictional, Precious is very real to me. Reminding me to keep pushing through to tell my story. To be bold and speak my truth even when I don't want to or know quite how to put it/

Lord knows there are plenty of preciouses walking around on this planet, which reminds me of Gollum. Who is grasping and creepy-addicted to his precious. Sometimes I can relate to that too, "my precious" usually involves some sort of pleasure. Frankly, there aren't too many people or creatures I can't relate to on some level.

Today I got to have a new experience of commentating on a tennis watch of my friend Jon Guerrica that was being broadcasted(obscure station) and I really enjoyed it. It was surprising for me because I am not much of a talker but I really enjoyed being able to watch and explain what was going on. Old Tassy didn't even show up. Who's Tassy you might ask?

That's old taciturn reticence.

In any event, I am back in DC really trying to find things I like and see the beauty. The Embassies and multiculturalism are one of the best things DC has going for it.

For me this is the most beautiful building in DC, its the Islamic Center on Massachusetts Ave.

 

Had a little wake up call this last weekend. I got in my first car accident. It's intense how much life can change in an instant. It made me want to be a better person. Not better in a conventional sense, but just more cautious and aware so that I don't make any horrendous mistakes altering my life or someone else's. I really am learning I do not like making mistakes. In fact I hate it and I hate that I hate it and on and on it goes.

 

These last few weeks have been a bit stressful for me, I have been making more mistakes than usual and found myself spiraling. I feel I am on the other end, getting back to basics of mindfulness, self care and slowing down. Now I realize I only have a few more weeks left of being in DC and things overall have gone really great. Instead of projecting all my shit on DC, I am learning to enjoy and appreciate it again with fresh eyes and things are much better that way. My next stop is Baltimore, can't wait to do a blog on Baltimore, in the meantime, precious will keep on pushing herself but hopefully not over the edge.

The pen is mightier than the head spasm

 I feel the urge to mention two meaningful experiences I had this year. The first took place in Austin and I was taking a class on memoir and in one of the email exchanges with the teacher, he called us authors. I don't know why exactly but it made me cry, to be referred to as an Author. That was the best thing someone could call me, I didn't know I could be that. Writer, yes, but Author felt so much more distinguished.

I have plenty of other identities that maybe I am not so proud of, but I feel like an Author is something I could be and am proud of. Working on my memoir stories and having that process, its interesting to come back to the farm. Part of me feels very disloyal, like somebody is going to get betrayed. I do feel more and more ready. Its the past and I have every right to do what I want with it and I know there can be all kinds of good and bad consequences from something like that. Nevertheless I am getting ahead of myself.

I went to the movies yesterday, to see the Remarkable Now. I love Jennifer Jason Leigh. It was a good movie, exploring emotion, time, and addiction. Story of my life.  You know it made me realize there are some areas in my life that maybe I have given up on. Just flat out, don't give a fuck. I think that's really not the right attitude. Sure is a slippery slope sometimes. Which takes me to the second experience. I was in Chicago enjoying my friend Nicole Nelch's first book, Authentic Shit when out of nowhere I realized I was being mentioned, in a real book, that was really published.

Do you know what she called me? ...... Bitter Betsy.

 I nearly peed my pants. In all fairness, it was I who coined the term(actually I stole it from Danny O). Nicole and I were on retreat last year at Esalen and we really bonded. Yeah, bitterness is something that I have to contend with in all honesty, its extremely easy for me to not give a fuck and find myself in that emotional frequency. I tend to not stay there too long. My life is way too good to be bitter for real. To me there is something funny about mock bitterness.

People have referred me to as brooding in my life and I have really made an effort to be a more friendly, kind human being and I think I have accomplished that in many ways. Do you think I want to be a brooding asshole? Believe me, I don't. The fucked up thing, is that people don't realize how much more of a jerk I could actually be. Ya know, it takes a lot of work to be this mediocre!

 In general I usually reserve the meanest stuff for myself. this is all getting back to my bigger dilemma of telling my story in an accurate, meaningful way in a way that ultimately is in alignment with my higher ideals of truth and kindness. I will just keep plugging away.

Having coffee with Mollie the other day, who stumbled in? No other than Cancer Napkin herself. I felt a pang of guilt. The conversation was strange and she ran out with the words, I have to dash.

 Speaking of cancer survivors, Alisa Kleybanova is back! I love her. She has the heart of a champion and is coming back from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Anyways, she really puts everything into every ball, to the point where someone, could of been me, could of been Daniel, nicknamed her head spasm and it just kind of stuck. then sometimes for fun we would just have random head spasms. I read an article about all her struggles and her determination to do the right things to get back on the court and being very clear about her intentions " I just want to be a tennis player." I love this single minded devotion and passion. I will be rooting for her!

This is what a head spasm could possible look like.

Spending my days in DC, decided not to go up to Boston. I am just really tired of traveling at the moment, so its nice to have something that's familiar. DC is an interesting place for me. Coming here as a kid for field trips and then in high school to come to raves, getting really high and dancing all night. Then I went to college at College Park for part of a semester before I dropped out. Got started doing massage here. Its where I fell in love for the first time. Its been a setting and backdrop for many different time periods of my life. So always I am flooded with memory and feeling. Its where I feel like I got back on a good track with my life. Doing massage, getting back into tennis. I know what its like to lose your health and have to do all the right things just to be able to function again. It takes tremendous resolve and for me, lots of good luck and help along the way.

 I woke up in Walkersville this morning, like what the hell am I doing in Walkersville? I do enjoy seeing my family. I want to use this time productively to spend with family/friends, work on my writing and music, get in better physical, mental and spiritual shape. For today, I am going to simplify, maybe have a head spasm or two before I proclaim. I just want to be an author. Well, I also want to be a good tennis player, well traveled, a musician and well rounded decent human being.  Its time to shake off Bitter Betsy and focus on my goals. Discipline and get back on a good track. I can acknowledge that I have come a long way, overcome some hurdles, and made it this far and there is still so much more that I would like to do with my time and energy while I still can.

Fuzziness

So let me catch you up on the last week since I left Chicago. As I mentioned, I was on my way to Detroit. Well, sort of. I was actually playing a tennis tournament in a suburb north of the city. I wanted to go to Detroit and at least see it and take some photos. Unfortunately, I never did make it into the city. Here's why.

Life was so comfortable in the suburbs and the tennis tournament required a lot of energy. First night I got in, we had a Korean BBQ feast. Then the next day singles and doubles match, day after that another singles and doubles match with 2 more gigantic feasts. Then Monday I was in the final. I lost in a frustrating match. 6-4, 7-6. Afterwards the last thing I wanted to do was hang around Detroit and snap photos. Plus my car is kind of falling apart, not to mention my body so I just wanted to go. Now, I have a few reasons to go back to Detroit. Play the tournament again. see the city.

Special thanks to Gorman for housing me and welcoming me to the pack. His group of friends was hilarious and a real highlight of the weekend. I am still adjusting back to playing tournaments and finding the balance of fun, friendship, competition and wanting to play tennis at my best level. Tennis unfortunately for me can get really emotional and all my demons can come out, so I need to work hard so that doesn't happen. I get so uptight, overthink and can't relax. the perfectionism comes out and the wonderful emotions of fear, anger, hatred, frustration take hold and ughhh the arrogance. The embarrassment!

 These experiences motivate me to want to do better and also realize the importance of being connected to people so everything isn't such an isolated, pressure filled experience. I am such a headcase but I know if I work hard, acquire discipline, eventually I can get out of my own way. It has happened before and it can happen again. The loss stung for a few days but coming back home to Maryland and seeing family has been just what I needed.

Another T shirt to add to the collection

 

Seeing my sister Mary is such a treat. She is 16 and has grown so much even in the last 6 months. She gave me a present of a voodoo doll named Florence for protection against illness. I hope that includes mental! I was so touched. My 2 cousins are also visiting, so it has been great to spend some time with the young ones, who are so full of playful energy. Seeing my little brother who is back from Asia and getting to read the second book of his series. Going to have coffee again with Mollie later and was grocery shopping with Mom earlier. Car is in the shop. Its great to be back. I already feel tremendously refreshed.

I have gotten into the practice of gazing up at trees. This walnut has been on the property all my life and I feel like I just noticed it. What else am I not seeing?

 

I have a lot of mixed emotions from my youth and growing up on the farm and have written at great length about it. So coming back now to see my cousins, reminds me of my Uncle Matt bursting into our house in his joy, playing with us for hours, tirelessly, swinging us around until we are dizzy. Now his young ones are being pushed on the tire, getting their dizzy fix and find a caterpillar in the garden.

Remember seeing my first caterpillar turn into a butterfly.

 

I have been trying to think of this childhood thing that I heard, something about Mississippi and Delaware and out of nowhere my cousin Rafael recited the whole thing.

 

If Miss issippi wore a New Jersey, what did Delaware?

 

Idaho(I don't know), Alaska.

This baby horse was just 9 days old.

 

I have made a full circle revolution around the country.  Had a beautiful day on the farm and now I am getting antsy and restless. Its great to have a place to come back to, to put it all in perspective. To experience some awe and appreciation of the cycles of life. As soon as my car is fixed I am driving to Boston.

Life of a recalcitrant miscreant

Greetings. Its my last day in Chicago and enjoying my last day here. Its a bittersweet day as Miss Marion Bartoli announced her retirement. I am sad I won't see anymore matches(thank god for youtube)but grateful for all the entertainment and happy for her future. Something ends and something begins. Its nice that she is ending her career in the mid-west, where I am now.
She is a passionate genius so I think she will be ok. So time to focus on my life.

It's a pretty good life, even if I am a recalcitrant miscreant. Reading this great book by John Steinbeck, East of Eden courtesy of K-ma. A good book is one of my greatest pleasures in life. was hanging out in my sisters old hood, Andersonville. Went to one of my favorite vintage stores which was filled with toys from the 80's. My little ponies, teenage ninja mutant turtles, I had to resist buying another popple. I did buy some X-Men stickers. got a great one of Rogue and one of Jubilee. Can't wait to put them on my computer. Such a dork!

 

Ready to leave Chicago and gearing up for Detroit where I am playing another tennis tournament.

had a nice view of sears tower yesterday. Goodbye Chicago. Time to go. The open road is calling.

Ukranian village

Well, to follow up from my last blog. I lost to Jose, 6-4, 6-3. It was a really frustrating loss, but I have to give credit to Jose who just played better in the important moments, and at 47 years old he really is a great champion of the GLTA. I had a lot of chances, and was up 3-2 in both sets. It was really aggravating because I didn't execute my gameplan, which was to go for it and keep the points short. We ended up playing long rallies from the first game. I wasn't getting any free points off my serve and was really struggling to put away vollies, overheads and short balls. I fought hard and gave it my all. Just made too many mistakes and couldn't control my emotions. So after the high of a good win and adrenaline, came the low of defeat. Ultimately it was a really good gauge of where I am at and I have a whole slew of things I can work on and need to improve. I couldn't believe how sore my body was for 2 days. I was actually relieved to not have to play another match.  I am really eager to get back to work on my tennis game. These tournaments are like a marathon. Being able to play well matches 3 days in a row, is no easy task.

Now, I have a few days left in Chicago. I have really fallen in love with my neighborhood. Which is in between UK village and Wicker park. Someone told me today its actually called West Town, which reminds me of that Pet shop Boys song. Think I am gonna go listen to that now.  Its really low key and I found a great vintage tee(I officially have a T shirt addiction).

I love this tee, its so old and comfortable. Nice bright blue and geography. I can actually learn the Caribbean islands.

 

I have really gotten comfortable in my little Chicago neighborhood. I have found some great places to eat, Milk and honey café/Trattoria Ultimo and just found a great coffee shop. I think I may need to include being here at least a few weeks every year. Summertime in Chicago is great. These last two weeks have been great.

St. Georges Cathedral, on my walk to coffee and breakfast every morning.

 

Today is my last day in the neighborhood. Next stop. Detroit. I am really excited about this.

Actually, that happened

Ok, I am just gonna say it. Chicago is so much more weird than Austin could ever hope to be. Chicago feels like another era to me. the 90's. Lollapalooza. the fashion. the accent. the a's and the i's. The people watching makes up for any irritation my ears experience. don't cha know. I am obsessed with dialects and accents and Midwest is the motherlode of dialects. jackpot. I think NY, Boston and Midwest have the most distinct accents. Maybe southern drawl could be thrown in there. so fascinating. why do we speak so different?

freedom, get your freedom

 

Tennis, gearing up for my second tournament this year. I haven't had any consistent training lately, but I am trying to gear up mentally and emotionally for competition. tennis is so mental, a strong mentality can carry you to victory even if your body and game is holding up. Just to give you a window in my craziness. As soon as I saw the draw for my tournament my mind and body started to experience anxiety. My mind goes everywhere in preparation for matches sometimes. I get used to the adrenaline rushes after competing regularly but my body and mind haven't been training under intensity and duress for a few years. Even before my match today I was imagining the story would tell if I lost. (Hello everyone, I lost my match today and am now drowning my sorrow in deep dish pizza.)

 

Alas, I am here to tell you that I will live another day before any sorrows are drowned in a deep dish. Who knows maybe I will even be eating one in celebration in victory. I won my 1st match today! I played someone who had beaten me back in 2006 so it was doubly satisfying. I actually played a really solid first set, winning 6 games in a row, for a 6-1 score. Then the second set, I started to get a little overconfident and then it got really close. 3 all, 4 all, served for it at 5-4. 5 all. I was choking a bit at this point, scrapped to get it to a tiebreaker then won in straight sets. 6-1, 7-6. I am so happy to win and it feels so good. I didn't play great, but I kept a positive, fighting spirit and pulled it out. I couldn't be more happier about my win. Winning feels good!

 

Tomorrow, I play my nemesis, Jose Sambas. I think this will be the 5th time we are playing in singles and I have never beaten him, although the last time was our closest. 7-6 in the third.  I am hoping 5th time is the charm. I am just going to go out there and go for it. The tournament is indoors and pretty speedy, so that's my strategy. Let you know how it turns out. hopefully not like this.

This little beetle was struggling to get to the right side. I loved the fluorescent green color. I had to snap a photo before I set him right. I'm so compassionate. One more thing, this is really narcissistic, but I shaved my head yesterday and now rocking a short do. I found a chain so now I am rocking my tiger pendant courtesy of Jude M. I think tomorrow I am rocking the wolf shirt with my tiger necklace. Sorry, I have to go, I have to pick out my outfit.

August and everything after

One of my all time favorite albums. Counting Crows. August and everything after.  Driving through Omaha, NE-somewhere in the middle of America, reminds me of everything, my own strange childhood, the 90's. Get right to the heart of the matter.

Cornfields, cows, hay bails, barns, silos, irrigation systems, fertilizations bring back familiar feelings. 3 gas tanks, 4 caffeinations, 1050 miles and a formidable drive is behind me. Omaha and Des Moines are drive bys, I want to get to my destination. It wasn't a day where it was all about the journey. fuck the journey. get me to my destination! My car held up. On long drives I start to lose my equilibrium. I know the world is spinning but usually after driving 10 or more hours, I can feel it spinning a lot or maybe that's just me(what's the difference?)

There is a new canvas in my flat. "there are secrets" painted by my landlady. It reminds me of my sisters. If only I had somewhere to put it, I might buy it. Speaking of my sister I was thinking of her today as I passed a stand where they were selling helotes, she has this character that sells helotes. needless to say, her comedy is absurd. My sister is probably the reason I am in Chicago now. I know I shouldn't compare but just to give you an idea of how me and my sister differ. She's a comedian that has been blessed with the ability to make everything into a good time. I took the opposite approach. no fun ever!

In many ways we are very similar, we grew up a year apart with the same parents, same 7 siblings, both bi-polar and both lesbian. Astrologically we are twin like too, if you buy into that sort of thing. Her sun is in Gemini and so is my moon. My sun is Capricorn where her moon is.

I was reflecting on the last decade and the first time I came to Chicago was driving with my family for my cousins wedding, that was 2004, it was in the middle of winter, freezing and I just remember shopping on Michigan avenue, my sister just wanting to shop at Diesel, my brother just wanting to go to boystown and me not having much of an opinion.

Wow, things have changed the last decade. Later, Mollie would move to Chicago to pursue comedy and I visiting again in 2008, it was nice to see her and Chicago seemed ok, but I didn't connect with it, I liked the bright colors of Miami, Chicago was too drab for me. I came the next year to play a tennis tournament with Daniel, again, great to see friends and sister, but didn't have a connection with the city.

It was about 2 years ago when I fell in love with Chicago, or the experience I had here. Mollie and I decided to drive back to Chicago after my other sister, Monica's(also a Gemini) wedding. It was just once again one of those dreams of perfect timing and what I call a joy boom. The weather was perfect, sunny, the leaves were changing and it was a window of a few weeks of perfect weather before foreboding winter was on its way. I stayed in Andersonville with Mollie, where we started referring to ourselves as Reenie and Schnoogie. They were brother and sister of our grandmother that ended up never marrying and living with each other til they passed away. Mol and I would joke that that was our destiny. I will never forget driving back to the apartment with some crazy person on the street hollering, SCHNOOGIE, ITS REENIE! She spotted me in my car as she was on her way to dinner. We nearly peed our pants. Mollie was actually amidst a really intense breakup, and true to her style managed to turn almost everything into a really fun time. I got to see her perform some comedy shows. Do her Dove model character and the last Mo show, before Mo moved to LA.

I just remember food tasting much better-eating guacamole, hummus and nachos. Huge subs, Popeyes, pizza and drinking soda. There is something about this town that makes me want to eat crappy food. The cool coffee shops, the great neighborhoods, the vintage stores, the industrial warehouse feel, now I liked all the brick and neutral colors, start of an intense writing spurt, enjoying every moment and wanting more, more, more. It was such an unexpected surprise as the best trips usually are. Who was this person enjoying life?

as good things do, they come to an end. After an intense high like that, what follows is an uncomfortable period, a low, everything becomes irritating. I went back to DC, which wasn't Chicago and then back to Chicago, I wanted my good feelings, the right mixture of elements that held it- but alas the bliss was gone, and winter was right around the corner. So I knew I needed some sunshine and that's when I got a place in Austin for January.

Sometimes life gives you the perfect experience, its not manipulated or manufactured, it just happens. I think my sister is rubbing off on me, I am learning how to turn more things into a fun time. Sometimes life sucks and there is no way around it, no maneuver clever enough, pill strong enough,no quick bypass back to the good stuff. If it wasn't for Chicago, my sister and a million other elements I would have never known a joy so thorough and real. That's one of the main reasons that keeps me going. You never know what's around the corner in life. I didn't know as a kid listening to Counting crows what life had in store and now back in Chicago, its August and I get to enjoy these last summer days, and we can see what's after. More joy please!

so much

Hi fellow blogaholics. Writing from the colorful state, Colorado. I am completely car-dependent. After 4 pep boys in the last month, I think I have finally gotten to the root of what's wrong with my car. It really is a luxury to have a car, something I take for granted all the time. I realized as I had to walk 3 hours to get my medication filled this morning. Hope my car holds up for my 14 hour drive to Chicago.

Caffeine+getting crazy=destination.

 I really love things that are in construction and I also like the other extreme of things that are abandoned. Beauty on both ends. I am not sure if they are really opposites. Does abandonment have an opposite? I have abandoner issues. My nightly dreams have been anxiety ridden but my daytimes are pretty pleasant. I keep telling myself everything is going to be ok and so far its true.

That reminds me, driving here from Wyoming, there was a rainbow. I would add the photo but my camera sucks and you can barely see it. With rainbows, you kinda have to be there. Wish you could have been. Now as I'm writing, there is another one out of my hotel window. That's my 3rd rainbow in the last month. :) It's almost full circle.

I got to play tennis yesterday with some tennis friends. Playing at altitude takes some getting used to, but I am ready to get back in the game and back in tennis shape. I have a tournament in a few weeks in Chicago. I think I'm becoming a better loser. Its really hard to not make excuses sometimes.

I came to Denver last year for about a month and it was one of those trips that was both equally terrible and wonderful. It all started off wrong with the person I was renting a place from lying to me and me having no recourse, so I ended up staying basically in Aurora(horrible) it was right after the massacre in the movie theater and the energy was strange. I lost my bike too on the drive up due to heavy winds. Bikes+sunglasses=why bother?

I missed Austin being here last year but this year I am more emotionally stable. the Lumineers music was blowing up last year at this time and I liked learning their story. made me want to be in a band. Still want to be in a band one day. so many dreams. hope I make them all come true.

Last year I ended up having a roommate in my rental when I was told I would have the place all to myself. Long story. My roommate was a 60 year old alcoholic that was just dumped by his wife and was in a sad state. We watched the summer Olympics a few times together and when he wanted to talk about his prostate problems, that was my breaking point. Living there forced me to get out as much as possible. so the other side was that I connected with an old high school friend and some tennis guys. They really salvaged this place. Going to the mountains helped and I had a few other fun experiences too. ;) Ended my journey by going to Boulder and hanging with another old Cheesecake friend Molly. that was a blast. Never met a Mollie I didn't like(that's not a drug euphemism).

Am I a euphemism?

So many directions I could go. I am reading two books. One is my favorite Middlesex and the other is by my friend Nicole Nelch, its her debut-Authentic Shit. Nothing like falling in love with a book, or a story or the author. Sometimes I feel like I am a really honest person but I think that's a total lie. I guess that's the thing with memory. I could dig a lot deeper, but lately all I want to do is talk about the weather. Sometimes its better this way.

I am gonna go to the mountains and proclaim. I MATTER, BECAUSE I AM MADE OF MATTER AND MATTER MATTERS!

If I matter, you matter then what we do matters and I think that's better than the alternative.

Aden and I in the mountain with her friend in the middle and River(dog). Aden and I went to the movies last night. I remember watching There is Something about Mary with her in high school, we laughed our asses off. Last night, not so much. Its nice to see old and new friends along the way. Until next time, mountain people.

SL,UT

I left LA for Big Sur but I decided to come back because it was closer than Salt Lake and 6 hours of driving seemed better than 10. My last few days in LA afforded me a chance to go to an art museum, the Lacma.

A few things really struck me. First, the art guards. I was very curious how they stand there all day. In one section photos were not allowed and the little Asian guard was all over it. I still managed to rebelliously snap one of a Picasso when he wasn't looking.

 I asked another how she liked standing there all day. She said it beats being on the streets. I realized with all these images how hungry my mind is for words. Words stimulate me and mediums without words only take me so far.

this piece moved me the most. At first I was impressed with the human figure, its made of matches. Its called Congo, shadow of a shadow. The artist is Mpane. Quoting from what was written about it "Installation is formed by using 4,652 matchsticks to express the paradoxes of human strength and fragility, and the resolute ability of Congolese to transcend the horrors that have befallen their nation."

 

The natural beauty of Utah is glorious. The greens, reds, blues, yellows and beiges made me so happy to be out of the clusterfuck of LA. Salt lake city has a such a different energy than anywhere and arriving after LA made me appreciate the widest streets. no traffic, the mountains in the distance. I made it to the main temple. I wanted to learn something about Mormonism.

I must say, my energy shifted after being there. I felt more peaceful but I am still unclear if it was God or if my crazy pill started to kick in.

 

Lord knows I have been and can be extremely irreverent when it comes to certain things. I'm really not a fan of people masculinizing God. If you want God to be your daddy, that's your business. I prefer the combo pronoun, he/she it which I sometimes shorten to He shit. Blasphemy. Don't worry because like a good Catholic boy I am gonna flagellate myself later after confessing my sins.

 

In all seriousness, I did throw some pennies in the fountain and like a good Buddhist, I wished all beings happy and free of suffering. Even me.

 

 I saw hats that read SL,UT(salt lake, Utah) and I am still contemplating to buy one to add to my hat collection but I don't like redundancy. Its like a pot head wearing a shirt with a pot leaf on it.

 

Speaking of, I would never be the kind of person that would make blanket statements. You know like religion is stupid or society is stupid or humans are stupid. This stupid human wants to attempt an open mind and learn something in all sincerity. I am trying to make friends with the concept of God and other peoples concepts too. I like it here in Salt Lake, people are really decent, like most of them actually acknowledge you exist. Its eerily peaceful here. I am glad a place like this exists. Its one of the most unique places I have been to and something tells me, SL, UT hasn't seen the last of me.

 

I was chatting with one of those people(in a whisper voice-Mormon) and I was like, I don't know much about it but I do know I never met a Mormon I didn't like. He joked and said, this is true. Mormons and Canadians.

Gnome around the world

Hello all you beautiful snowflakes. I want to tell you about my day. I can't tell you about my day without telling a little about me and my life.

 

I made a beautiful drive yesterday. From LA to Esalen in Big Sur. Pacific coast highway is simply the most magnificent drive I have ever experienced. It was hard to leave LA, emotionally, I grew rather fond of staying with my friend(love you) and finally felt slightly adjusted to the entity of Los Angeles. Esalen is the antidote to LA, and its polar opposite. As soon as I got to Big Sur I felt like a completely different human.

 

I am completely car-dependent, as I realized when I was out of gas out in the wilderness. Luckily my Honda's reserve took me to where I needed to be. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I spent a few months here last year. It has been such a treat to remember why I fell in love with this place and see some of my friends there.

Rebel without a cause. Taken by my girl Nicole Nelch, who is now an author and I can't wait to tear into her books.

I would never be the kind of person that suggests to always look on the bright side
or keep things positive because I actually love negativity. It can be very profound. Lord knows I can get bitter Betsy in an instant. Plus just getting to the good from the bad, is way too simple minded for me. I like something that allows room for everything. Lots of space. Fresh air. I went through a really rough period here last here, internally I was really in some anguish. Now 6 months has passed and I realize the merit of experiences like that. I was probably blaming this place for my pain, but the reality is that being in a supportive environment was exactly what I needed while I was in that struggle, but when I was in it, I couldn't see the forest from the trees.

I want to say a little about reference points and as a nomad, they are not only useful but essential. If home is where the heart is, then Esalen has some of my heart and that feels good. A place that I can go and instantly feel connected to the people, land and my own memories. 2 Thumbs up.
I have been fortunate enough to find various places that I feel at home. Austin, Esalen, even LA and more and more just America feels like home. There is also an obsessive fling I am having with Berlin.

I have had a lot of dreams throughout my life and I think dreams are so important, not just the ones you have at night so you can work shit out.
Also the desires for the life you want. I think in some cases desire can be excessive and even deadly but its important I feel to be in this process of actively creating your life to suit what you are and can be. I am so glad I have found a place like Esalen, I can feel it will be ingrained in my life in ways maybe I don't even know. Already it is the place I have spent the second most amount of time in the last year. Time matters. Your time matters and one should use it accordingly.

I am trying to live my life like it already is, instead of coming from a place a lack.
 I am sick of apologizing for myself. I am a human that wants to give and receive love
and do all kinds of interesting things. Sorry, I am not just gonna sit back and hope for the best anymore. Fuck that shit.

Sometimes I am really frustrated with my own cowardice and I can keep giving myself CAKE
on a daily basis as I GNOME around the world.